Message ID: c46ubb$2du3g7$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
My relationship with my mother is miserable. She can turn a bright spot into a black hole. She is constantly giving me the silent treatment because she feels that I don't share enough of my life with her, yet when I do, all I get is criticism.
She almost constantly puts me down and always tells me how much better my sister is than I am. This puts a strain on my relationship with my sister.
I am at a point where I would in some ways like to cut her off, but I don't feel that I can do that due to the impact that it might have on my children, my father and my siblings.
I guess I'm looking for the right solution, if there is one. I have tried working things out with her, but she gets angry and then I get the silent treatment. Where do I go from here?
--Wondering
Dear Wondering:
Let's not underestimate the positive aspects of the silent treatment. If I were you, I'd embrace it.
I think you might have an easier time if you can mentally put your mother in a "box." Some issues in families are so entrenched, some patterns so set, that there is simply no way to resolve or change them. If you can set aside some of your negative feelings and painful memories of her treatment of you, it might help. All you can change is your reaction to her, so that's what you should work on.
It sounds as if your mother's negativity has been sucking the light out of your family for a long time. I hope you can learn to celebrate the positive aspects of your family--focus on the bright spots more than the black holes.
A book you might find helpful is "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward (Bantam Books, $13.95). Reading anecdotes and case histories from others in similar circumstances will be instructive and helpful.
Amy Dickinson
Mother spreads ill will in family
March 28, 2004
I think you should realize your mother has learned very well just how to push your buttons - and she does it with enthusiasm, because it gives her a feeling of power. You, on the other hand, have put yourself perpetually in the role of the supplicant - always the one to go to your mother hat in hand, so to speak, to try to "work things out".
I really have to ask you this: Why bother?
Your mother yanks your chain, then gives you the silent treatment, and right on cue, you apologize for something you should not apologize for. And it goes on, over and over again. There is no resolution, you feel like crap, and the only one getting anything out of this is your mother.
You can't change your mother's behaviour; only she can. You - and the rest of the family, I might add - have given her no motivation to do so. What you can do is change how you react to it. When your mother starts to abuse you, (and make no mistake, that is what she is doing) there is no law written that says you have to put up with it. That being the case, when she starts, leave - leave the room, leave the house, hang up the phone - whatever it takes. Then, do not, repeat, do not, speak to her again until she comes to you. You do not have to be abused, and you don't have to be the "fixer".
As for the effect it will have on your children, if she is playing those games with you, you can bet she is playing those games with them. Your Father can take care of himself, and likely she is abusing him too.
Time to change the rules and stand up for yourself. You don't have to be a victim any more.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/