Message ID: c6tfek$fvmbv$1@ID-202214.news.uni-berlin.de
I love your column, and I think you give out some really good advice, so here goes ... I'll be marrying a wonderful guy ("Bob") next year. He's everything I could wish for in a man. In fact, this summer we'll be moving in together. The problem? My parents. I'm sure you've heard "my parents don't like my boyfriend/husband" lots of times, but please hear me out. While Bob's parents absolutely love me (and vice versa), my parents want nothing to do with him or his family. Why do they feel this way? Because Bob's family doesn't make the six-figure income my parents do. I know Bob doesn't have anything to prove to my family, and I know I can't change their opinion about him. However, their behavior toward him is very hurtful. Situations like this have caused major, unfixable rifts in my family in the past, and I'm trying desperately to stop the cycle, but if it's the Grand Canyon they want, then I suppose I have no choice. Any ideas about how to solve this? And hell would freeze over before they got psychological help, so that's out of the question. A side note: They have offered to pay for the wedding (which will be small), but I get the feeling it's only out of "obligation." Should I let them or fund it myself (which I'm capable of doing)?
- Thinking About Disowning the Family
Dear Think,
When you ask how to "solve" this problem, Prudie thinks of the Zen proverb: "There is no solution; seek it lovingly." This problem cannot be solved; it can only be managed. There is no way to infuse your folks with new values at this stage of the game. If they judge people by the income they rake in, the situation is too Bonfire of the Vanities to hope for improvement. What you and your fiance can do, and should do, is ease away from them, but without any formal announcements. They may, in time, catch on that you've become more comfortable with the in-laws and perhaps tone down the snobbery. As for the small wedding you have in mind, it is customary for the bride's father to pay for the wedding if he is able. It IS his obligation, so short of all-out warfare, let it proceed that way. You and your intended are not the first kids to have this problem, and Prudie predicts you will do just fine.
—Prudie, pragmatically
Dear Prudence
April 29, 2004
It is not often that I disagree with Prudie's advice, but in this case, Childfree Abby makes an exception.
Your father is not "obligated" to pay for your wedding. It is nice that he offers, but he is not obliged. And I think you should look very carefully at what this offer will cost you in the long run. The offer to pay for your wedding should be a gift. A gift should be given in an open-hearted and joyful manner. You have said yourself that those two conditions are not present. Abby would far rather pay for it herself than accept a so-called "gift" proffered in such a manner.
Believe me, given the fact that your family barely tolerates your intended, you would be far wiser to foot the bill yourself rather than be indebted to your family in any way. There is no guarantee that your family will ever accept Bob. Rather than give your family something to hold over your head (and I suspect that there will be a lot of covert as well as overt strings attached to this "gift"), far better that you begin your marriage without them. Whether your family eventually comes around or not really is of no consequence right now. If they do, fine; if not, then at least you have your own self respect.
Childfree Abby - looking beyond
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/