Message ID: 2g1i5tF3g8vgU1@uni-berlin.de
My 19-year-old sister has become a hateful, spiteful witch. She dorms at college, and I have my own apartment, but I see her every week for dinner at my parents' house.
Whenever "Vera" is in my presence, she belittles everything I say and acts like I'm an idiot. If I get upset with her, my parents get mad at me. When I have asked my parents to talk to Vera about her behavior, they tell me that she's a wonderful girl and I'm being too hard on her.
My question is, must I go to my parents' place for dinner every week? I leave feeling hurt and used. I am 26 years old, and I don't want to be around people who put me down and don't let me fight back.
-- Negative Feelings in New York
Dear N.Y.:
No, you don't have to keep being abused at the family dinners. However, even if Vera is a spoiled brat, you should have figured out how to deal with her by now. You cannot make your family behave better, but you can change how you respond. Before cutting yourself off from these get-togethers, it might help to talk to a counselor about ways to cope with Vera and the fact that your parents still coddle her. She needs to grow up, for everyone's sake.
Annie's Mailbox
May 6, 2004
It has been my observation that the hardest lesson to pass on in a family is that of respect, and that in many cases there is no place that needs it more. It has always struck me as very odd that people seem to think that they have carte blanche to abuse and treat with disrespect members of their own families in ways they would never do to a stranger. Furthermore, people seem to think they are obligated to accept it. Perhaps there is more than a little truth in the saying "familiarity breeds contempt".
I both agree and disagree with my esteemed counterparts. You cannot change their behaviour, but you can change your own. That said, in many cases subtlety is lost, and I think that may be the case in your situation. Since they have dismissed your feelings before, you must first get their attention. If that means cutting them out for a while, then do so. However, be advised that this will require a backbone of steel. They will claim that they don't understand why you are treating them in this manner. You can respond, or not. You can say to them in any way you like the words: "I'm sorry, but the way Vera treats me is not acceptable. You would not accept that behaviour towards a guest, I do not understand why you condone it when it is directed towards me." and leave it at that. Or, since you have had your say before, you need say nothing. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.
After a while, you may "open the door" but if things haven't changed, close it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Childfree Abby - resolutely
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/