Message ID: 2g472oF4ava5U1@uni-berlin.de
I'm engaged to marry "Kurt" in August. He has a 3-year-old daughter, "Krystal," from his first marriage. We didn't meet until a month after his wife, "June," left him, so I'm not a home-wrecker.
I moved in with Kurt several weeks after we began dating and have been cleaning his house, taking care of Krystal when she's here, doing his laundry, cooking for him -- just like a wife would do.
Abby, June doesn't want Krystal. She remarried six weeks ago and has asked us to take her. June's husband is loud, mean and abusive, so I don't think it would be safe for Krystal to stay there.
My problem is I can't stand Krystal. She's a spoiled brat. I don't want to be a full-time mother, although at some point I'd like to have a child of my own.
I haven't told Kurt how I feel because I'm afraid he'd kick me out. Now I'm wondering if I should tell him I'm leaving before he sends me on my way. I don't think we can work this out because he loves Krystal, and I don't think he'd understand why I don't want to be her stepmother. What should I do?
-- Unwilling Stepmother In New Mexico
Dear Unwilling:
Level with Kurt, the sooner the better. Unless you can accept that he and Krystal are a package deal and learn to love her, to marry him would be a mistake and a disservice to all of you. That little girl has already struck out once in the mother department. Kurt needs a wife who is ready to embrace not only him, but also his child.
Dear Abby
Dad's first responsibility to child
May 7, 2004
I think your problem here is that you have been willing to the point of imbecility in this relationship. You met this guy a month after his wife left, and moved in with him a few weeks later. You are doing the cooking, the cleaning and the laundry. You are providing the childcare that he would have to either perform himself or pay someone to perform for free. What, may I ask, are you getting out of this?
It should come to no surprise to you that men's idea of parenting, and women's idea of parenting, are two radically different things. Most men don't want to be involved in the day to day drudgery of childcare - it is tedious, boring. Their idea of parenting is a sperm donation and "take them to the park on the weekends, maybe."
I have no doubt that Kurt loves his daughter. It is also true that he has a responsibility to and for her and that he is a "package deal". However, you had better examine what you are to him. If all you are is maid service, childcare and sex - honey, don't wait for him to kick you out if you decide not to provide any of the above. Pack your bags and leave.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/