Message ID: 2g9fc7F4u75U1@uni-berlin.de
I'm 21, in college, dating a girl, 20. We're graduating this summer. On our 18-month anniversary, I proposed, but she said no. She's always said she never wanted to get married. Her vision of a perfect life is a studio apartment in the city and world travel without commitments. I was sure she'd change her mind for the right guy (me). I want to marry, have a house in the suburbs and kids she'd care for while I work. She says I knew the deal going in. I'm devastated. My old flame, the only other girl I've ever dated, is interested in buying a condo together and moving in after we graduate. I want to marry my girlfriend, but I don't want to waste my time. Should I move in with my old flame? Any ideas how I can convince my girlfriend to marry me?
- EAGER TO WED HER
DEAR EAGER:
The best idea is for you to chill out. It's good to have a sense of your future, but your steamroller vision doesn't allow for anyone else's sense of identity. As for No. 1 girlfriend, she knows what she wants for now, and, unlike you, isn't asking anyone to change for her. Old Flame, however, appears foolishly willing to rush into the void, despite your obvious feelings for another woman. Stop pushing yourself into the next stage. Graduate, get a job, date others. You're 21; the door to many possibilities is just about to open.
He wants to wed, she doesn't -- but his old flame does
May 10, 2004
BY ELLIE TESHER
You really had it all planned, didn't you? Your girlfriend leveled with you from the very beginning where her hopes, dreams and priorites were going. You, in your arrogance, decided that you were the "right guy" and could make her give up all her hopes and dreams and make them subject to yours. Now, you are "devastated" because she has a mind and wishes of her own. While you have a right to your feelings, you also have to admit that you set yourself up for this. You met her at college, surely you realize that there are women who get their education with the idea of actually using it rather than getting their MRS. and settling down for a life of sprog popping and vegetation.
Now, former flame is stepping up to the bat, offering to fill the space knowing full well that she is a pretty distant second. Keener, this is a trainwreck in the making - trust me, settling down and popping out kids with someone you don't love because you don't want to "waste your time" is a pretty stupid idea. Sunshine, at 21, your "guys" have a lot of good years ahead of them. I think you had better pull your head our of your white picket fence butt (now that sounds painful, doesn't it?) and realize that life has a lot more to offer than your script.
Eager, you don't "convince" her. She has made up her mind and told you so. If you can't respect her wishes, how can you say you love her? As a matter of fact, I don't think you do love her. Your entire letter smacks of neediness and co-dependence rather than love. I think what you need to do is get a life of your own before you start making little replicants.
Childfree Abby
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