Message ID: 2g9fc7F4u75U1@uni-berlin.de
I am married; my husband and I are in our early 40s. We have no children. I have always lived within a few miles of my parents. They are in their 80s. We have always had a good relationship.
My father has a variety of medical problems. My mother takes care of him.
My husband and I want to move out of the state. The couple of times I've broached this subject with my parents, they put a guilt trip on me.
I really don't feel right being far away from them, but for a variety of reasons (mostly financial), a move would be the best thing for us.
Anyone I discuss this with says I should do what's right for me, but how do I explain this to my parents?
-- Feeling Trapped
Dear Trapped:
Please take into account that if you do move, it might be expensive for you to come back home for visits to check in on your folks -- I've recently done this myself, and those last-minute emergency trips can get very expensive.
This decision might be very hard on them, and rather than blame your parents for putting you on a guilt trip, know that you don't need to justify this to anyone -- not me, not your folks and not your friends; but you do need to have your reasons for doing this very clear in your own mind.
This clarity will help you to be firm, and you're going to need to be firm here. You're also going to need to be understanding and reassuring to your mother and father, who are at a very vulnerable point in their lives.
Put this move in a positive light in terms of your own goals, but also let them know that you plan to be home to see them and that you'll always make sure that they're OK in every way.
Amy Dickenson
May 12, 2004
Your friends are correct - you must do what is right for you. It is your life and you must live it.
You are an adult. It is not right for parents to lay guilt trips on their children, but none the less they do. As if the contribution of genetic material somehow implies ownership, parenting does not mean that your children will be at your beck and call for your entire life span. How do you broach the subject to them? Acknowledge their feelings, but be firm, this move is necessary for you. It is not a rejection of them.
You never mentioned - do you have other siblings? If so, they can take up some of the slack. Impress upon your parents that just because you don't live as close by you won't be out of touch. However, don't expect them to let up on the guilting - they won't.
Again, they may sending you on a guilt trip, but you don't have to pack your bags. Tell them you are sorry they feel that way, but, again, you must live your life, in the best manner you can.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/