Message ID: 2j5qltFt6ec7U1@uni-berlin.de
I'm a single male, 26, whose old-fling/acquaintance reappeared after I broke up with my girlfriend. She wound up getting pregnant and chose to keep the child. She's in love with me. Though I care about her, I was against her decision, and kept away for the first four months of pregnancy. I've explained I needed time to get over being upset.
At present, we're not a couple but spend time together. I'm trying to be around for whatever she and my child need now and in the future. She already has a daughter, and wants a family with me. I'm not ready to be a family man, but I'll be there for my son. However, she's spiteful about my parental rights. She wants our son to have her surname because of my earlier distance. I want him to have my name. My opinions aren't being considered. I need to know my rights as a father and if I have to accept this.
- FIRST-TIME FATHER
DEAR FATHER:
You were in the bed, too, so taking four months to wake up to your responsibilities means allowing her time to recognize your rights. It's understandable that she was hurt, and also may not trust your commitment. See a lawyer to get yourself informed about what those rights and responsibilities are under the law; then show her your support and caring through to the baby's birth.
Don't make the name issue your main discussion; rather tell her you're going to be part of his life (and hers, to some degree) forever. One hopes by the time of your son's birth, you'll come to an amicable decision, even if it has to be a double-barreled surname like Smith-Jones, or using one of your names for his middle name and the other for his surname.
Let's get one thing straight, Studly - what you thought was a "f*ck buddy" didn't "wind up getting pregnant" all by herself. What birth control did you practice? Any at all? Or did you leave it all up to her? If you don't want a kid, then wrap it, or don't have sex, or - if you are sure you don't want fatherhood to play a role in your life - get snipped. Once the deed has been done, it's out of your hands, totally - and you pay the piper.
As for your son having your surname, that's pretty much a non-issue, since really, you don't want to be a father, however much you claim you want to "be there for your son". However, you seem to want some sort of proof of ownership. Why? To carry on the family name? Should have thought of that sooner. You are not a couple, but you "spend time together". It seems to me, that you really haven't decided what you want from the mother. Either you want a relationship with her, or you don't. She has made it pretty clear that she wants more from you than you are prepared to give. More than likely, she thought that "oopsing" you would make you have feelings for her that you just don't have, and her pique stems from your *not* rushing right out and proposing. You had better set the record straight with her, and the sooner the better. Oh, and I would stop using her as a booty call, that's just asking for more trouble. See a lawyer as my counterpart said. However, more than likely you will be stuck for child support, but your rights will be pretty much nil elsewhere.
Childfree Abby
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