Message ID: 2k0c0fF166nllU1@uni-berlin.de
My girlfriend of four months and I, both 28, use birth control but just learned she's pregnant. We're both financially unstable, working part time and attending graduate school. I don't think we should have the baby (and I'm not prepared to take on the role of father), but she has decided to keep the baby.
What do I do? Am I wrong for feeling this is a bad decision? She's pro-choice, so I know it's not due to religious beliefs. Do you think this is her way of trying to keep me (i.e., a trap)?
- THINKING CLEARLY
DEAR THINKING:
No, your thinking is muddled. There's no joy in "trapping" an unwilling father for an innocent baby, and far fewer young women think that way than men suspect.
Many women who believe in the rights of women to choose whether or not to bear a child would nevertheless reject an abortion unless under severe circumstances; she believes this situation doesn't warrant that action. It may feel like a bad decision to you, but it's the only one she can face.
Yet, she may still be open to discussion, if you stop the paranoia about traps and take some responsibility for the consequences of having sex. Even a "Friends" episode famously made it clear that birth control doesn't always work.
Suggest that you go together for pregnancy counseling (most university campuses have confidential clinics that provide counselors) to weigh all the options. I also recommend you discuss how you'd manage if she does keep the baby, bearing in mind you'd be legally responsible for sharing child support.
Boyfriend feels trapped
June 24, 2004
ELLIE TESHER
I must respectfully disagree with my counterpart. As a matter of fact, I don't think she's even been reading her own mail. After all, all she has to do is go through her mail and sort out the letters where some sorely disappointed woman has decided to have a baby with some loser with the thoughts of "he'll change!" or "he will love the baby once it comes", or "he won't leave me now he has a responsibility here!!!" - there are a lot of women (and some men) who slave away under the misconception that having a child will somehow cement a relationship, or shore up a sagging one. Their names, I regret to say, are legion. And a lot of people, when it comes to having children, just don't think. Period.
I do have a question, though. When you say you "use birth control" did both of you use birth control, or was it she who used birth control? There is a subtle but very marked difference here. I rather suspect the if you (plural) had used birth control then you (singular) would not be in this situation. Correct me if I am wrong, but I rather suspect that *you* (singular) abdicated this responsibility to your girlfriend and... this is what is called an "oops".
This is where, dude, you have a very bitter pill to swallow. Accept the fact that your wishes, dreams, feelings or preparedness no longer matter. You no longer have any say in this situation. She is pregnant and now it is *solely* her choice whether to have this baby or not. And you will be stuck with child support payments until the child reaches 18. Dang, that makes a 25 cent condom look pretty good now, doesn't it?
It is possible that your girlfriend is suffering from Kodakitis, and it might be curable. Ask her how she feels about being a single parent? It may sink in, it may not.
ATTENTION ALL MEN!!!
If you don't want children, YOU must take responsibility for your own fertility. YOU cannot entrust this to someone else unless you are prepared to live with the possible results. Snip, wrap, or do without - your choice.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/