Message ID: 2knvv2F4cbemU1@uni-berlin.de
My boyfriend and I, mid-40s, divorced, have been together three years. He lives with his mother and his three teenage kids. Their mother only sees them occasionally. I own my own home, and also have three teenagers who rarely see their father. My boyfriend wants us all to live together, but I think it's a recipe for disaster, and unfair for my kids to lose their privacy. I worked hard when they were young, juggling a full-time job with raising them. My life is just getting easier. I think I'd become unhappy, and then disrupt everyone's life again. I can't even fathom the added cooking and cleaning, driving everyone to places and other issues. Why can't he wait maybe six years, when we could live together? He feels I don't spend enough time with him, but I'm pulled in all directions. I feel he'll be ending the relationship because of this. Now I'm uneasy, and I can't bear the insecurity. I love him, but if he can walk away, it must not be "true love."
- BRADY BUNCH SYNDROME
DEAR BUNCH:
Go with your instincts. Something tells you this domestic scene he has painted isn't just for closer contact, and comes with a duty chart. You are two adults with separate houses and incomes, and should be able to work out a reasonable plan if you both have the will as well as the love. Here's a sample negotiation: Wait till each of your eldest kids go to college, which isn't that long. Then pool your resources and hire regular household help to handle the laundry and cleaning load for four teens, Grandma and you two. You'll have the extra money to contribute from selling your house (or you could rent it). My point: You only move in as a full partner. Meantime, start getting both sets of kids together on occasions like birthdays.
Ellie Tesher
28 June 2004
Upon reading what you have written, I can surmise a few things:
This is man in mid 40's, three kids, lives with his mother. (There is a subtle but very marked difference than "his mother lives with him".) From this, I gather that he "went home to mother" and mother has been doing such things as cleaning, laundry, etc. Given his age, we can also assume that mother is getting up there, and will soon require help herself.
He wants you to uproot yourself and your kids to move in, thereby putting all the onus on you for the relationship. Not to mention taking over all the abovementioned duties plus (!) taking care of mother.
What is he, or this relationship going to do for you exactly? Not much that I can see. He doesn't think you spend enough time with him? Well, sorry, you have a few other priorities besides him out there. If he doesn't recognize that, then you have to ask yourself how much actual "parenting" etc, he has been doing over the years. My guess is not much.
Bunch, I strongly suspect - and I'm pretty sure you do too - that Mr. "True Love" isn't looking for a "True Love". He is looking for housekeeper, nanny and elder care. Let me spell this out - he wants someone to take to be the "mommy" here.
From the tone of your letter, you know this already, hence your misgivings.
Run away! Run away!
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/