Message ID: 2lid6dFcvhh0U1@uni-berlin.de
I am a young female college student who has been seeing "Pete" exclusively for two years. We have a wonderful relationship.
Here's the problem: We have been sexually active for six months. The decision for us to consummate our relationship was one of mutual love and respect. However, we are currently attending schools about three hours apart, and we are unable to be together in order to make love more than once or twice a month.
I guess I don't have much of a sex drive, because this is fine for me. Pete is the exact opposite. He has asked that we engage in phone sex to help relieve the pressure of having to wait. I don't mind doing this once in a while, but he wants it more often, and this makes me uncomfortable. Pete has never directly pressured me, but he claims that after several days of having to contain his desires, it becomes physically painful. I certainly don't want him to suffer, but I don't know how to solve this problem in a mutually respectful way.
We have tried several times to come up with a compromise but haven't found one we both like. Do you have any suggestions?
-- Wisconsin Coed
Dear Wisconsin:
If phone sex makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't feel obligated to do it. It's up to Pete to find an acceptable alternative outlet for those times when you aren't in the mood. "Acceptable" means it does not involve other women. (What on earth does he think men did before phone sex, for heaven's sake?)
Keep in mind that incompatible sex drives can be a serious problem in a relationship. If you and Pete should decide to marry, you will need to resolve this.
Phone sex - any sex for that matter - is ok providing it goes on between consenting adults and it is pleasurable for both. If "the next best thing to being there" (as the old add for the long distance used to go) doesn't do anything for you, Pete, however blue his balls are, should not try to coerce you into it. And you should not let him. There is no reason why a healthy young man should require your assistance to jack off.
Now, that said, let's discuss your sex drive. I am assuming that you are in your late teens or early 20's. I wouldn't write your sex drive off as low just yet. What my esteemed counterparts seems to have forgotten, if indeed they ever knew, is that a woman doesn't hit her sexual peak until her 30's. Anecdotally from my own experience and from conversations with other women, while a woman may find sex enjoyable at your age, your enjoyment in it increases drastically after the age of 25. Believe me, you are quite normal, and as your experience grows, as well as the knowledge of your likes and dislikes, as well as your confidence in what turns you on and what doesn't, believe me your enjoyment will grow and grow as well as your desire.
What I would really be concerned about is Pete. Whether you want to recognize it or not, he is pressuring you. And a good lover doesn't do that. I suspect that once you hit your stride, providing you haven't given him the gate before that, you will outgrow him rapidly.
But, here is a question for any women who read CF Abby's humble scriblings: Did you find that your enjoyment of, and desire for sex increased as you got older?
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/