Message ID: 2mv59rFqahmiU1@uni-berlin.de
My husband, "Rick," and I have a 4-year-old daughter, "Carmelle." When I brought Carmelle home from the hospital, she slept in a crib in our bedroom and I'd bring her to bed with me for midnight breast feedings so I could sleep.
Since then, Carmelle has refused to sleep in her own bed. I placed a child bed next to ours in our bedroom, and each night I'd tuck her in. But she would cry, so Rick would let her climb into ours. For the past year, she has slept between us. The situation is now bordering on the ridiculous.
Carmelle has a room of her own, but she refuses to use it. I now sleep alone in our king-size bed. That's because I told Rick I didn't want her wetting in my bed any longer. I thought a brand-new bedroom set with a twin-size bed would encourage Carmelle to sleep in her room and Rick to sleep with me. Well, it backfired, and I continue to sleep alone, while my husband sleeps with our daughter in her bed. Have you any advice for me?
-- Abandoned In Palm Bay, Fla.
Dear Abandoned:
Take your daughter to her pediatrician for an examination to determine why she's still wetting the bed.
Once that's done, it's time for you and your husband to have a heart-to-heart about why he's sleeping with his daughter instead of his wife. If necessary, have it in a marriage counselor's office. In some cultures, a "family bed" is a tradition (in our culture it is much less so), but even then, the husband and wife find time to be alone with each other. For the sake of your marriage, you must resolve this important issue, so don't put it off any longer.
P.S. Some sessions with a child psychologist might also be helpful. Your little girl isn't going to like it when her routine is disrupted, so be prepared.
If you have indeed been "abandoned" you really have no one to blame but yourself and your spineless husband.
You had no business bringing the child into your bed in the first place. I don't give a ragged rodent's rectum what the @tt@chment parenting crowd says. You didn't establish boundaries when she was an infant, and you will find it much, much harder to do now. The situation as it now stands is sick.
The best that can be said about your situation now is this:
Your daughter has found that she can wrap daddums right round her finger and get anything she wants. This does not bode well for the future. As parents, you must present a united front in parenting otherwise your authority as parents (and this means both of you) will be undermined as your daughter plays each of you against the other. Believe me, kids pick up on these things very fast and become master manipulators with equal speed.
Worst case scenario is this:
Your husband is a pedophile.
There, that took the wind out of your sails, didn't it?
About the bed wetting, agreed with my counterpart. Find out if there is any medical reason for this.
Get your husband out of your daughter's bed. If he refuses, file for divorce, citing that reason. Even if he does, you better keep a damn close eye on them both.
She will whine.
She will cry.
She will carry on.
But remember YOU ARE THE PARENT.
Act like one.
Childfree Abby -- resolutely
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