Message ID: 2o6amjF7a6u8U1@uni-berlin.de
I am a woman in my mid-20s with a bachelor's degree and a full- time job. My parents refuse to accept that a self-supporting woman my age can be happy. They keep pestering me to find a boyfriend, get married and have children. I have explained to my mother that I'm in no rush to settle down, but she says if I "really loved her," I'd find a man to take care of me so she wouldn't have to worry.
Ever since I was a child, I have put money into a savings account, and it has become a large sum. I would like to use that money to further my education, but my parents have denied me access to it. They claim that when I marry, the funds will be my "dowry" to buy a house.
Abby, I don't want to cut off my family. How can I get through to them that my goals in life are different from theirs?
- Single and Happy in Ohio
DEAR S AND H:
A life partner can be wonderful, but it's no guarantee of happiness or security. Witness the number of marriages that fail and the number of households headed by single mothers who struggle to make ends meet.
You should contact the bank manager and find out how your account was set up and how you can access it. Your parents should not hold your money hostage. If you wish to use it to further your education, you should be free to do so. (I assume that the salary you earn now is banked in your name only.)
You weren't put on Earth to make your parents' dreams come true. As parents, it's their job to help you be the best that you can be. They should thank their lucky stars that you are self-supporting and motivated to do even better. Many parents would be proud to have a daughter like you.
Accept the fact that the only possible career your parents see for you is that of "wife and mother" and anything else is seen as filling time. Therefore any attempt to further your education will not be taken seriously, as really, in their eyes, who needs education to change diapers? As for the concept of a "dowry", if at some point you decide to marry, you are your own "dowry".
The only way you are going to open their eyes is through tactics that some might see as heavy handed. You have tried the velvet glove, now you must use the steel fist. It is *YOUR* money. You saved it up and it is yours by right. Contact whatever legal/financial authorities required to have the funds released to you. Accept that your parents will probably not take this terribly well. However, as the saying goes, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. Your parents must learn to treat you as the adult you are, not as some helpless imbecile who requires a "keeper" to "take care" of you.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/