Message ID: 2o6amjF7a6u8U1@uni-berlin.de
I am a 54-year-old father of two children: a daughter who is in her fifth year of college and an older son. My wife recently returned to school and is not working. I've borrowed money for the past six years to cover everyone's tuition, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to pay the bills at the end of the month.
We allowed our daughter, "Marla," to go out of state to school to be near a boyfriend who ended up living overseas. We finally moved her back home because we could not afford the out-of-state tuition and living expenses. Marla has a new boyfriend and has been staying with him. Meanwhile, I am borrowing money to pay for an apartment she doesn't use and a car she "simply can't do without." She has a part-time job and a small college loan, but we still end up sending money to cover unexpected expenses or pay off a credit card.
I do not approve of Marla living with her boyfriend and have asked her to move back to her apartment. She says she's an adult now and should be free to make her own decisions. I feel that by providing financial support, I am encouraging her to behave in a way I disapprove of.
I wish Marla could see that I give advice out of love and respect. Instead, I feel slapped in the face. According to my wife and kids, I am a spoilsport with an outdated sense of values. What do you say?
-- Set Me Straight
Dear Set:
Marla is entitled to make her own choices, whether or not you approve. There's no reason, however, that you have to pay for them. If Marla wants to be treated as an adult, tell her such responsibility includes handling her own finances, and you certainly don't want to stand in the way of her independence. Then close the checkbook and step aside, Dad. It's time to let her grow up.
I agree 100% with my counterpart. You have footed the bill for Marla's choices too long. She has tasted the privileges of adulthood, now it's time for her to taste the responsibilities. It's time for a wake up call of heroic proportions. Turn off the tap, honey. If your daughter chooses to live with her boyfriend, there is nothing you can do about it, but you are in no way obligated to subsidize her love life. Inform Marla that since she is now an adult, truly free to make her own decisions, and being an adult means paying your own bills. If your wife and older son disagree, tell them that they are adults too, and if they don't like your decision, they are free to subsidize Marla out of their own pockets.
Childfree Abby
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