Message ID: 2p8uu5Fi80auU1@uni-berlin.de
I have been engaged to "Jeff," a terrific man, for eight months. We both have been married before, and between the two of us, we have five children.
The thing that really bothers me is that Jeff stays in touch with his ex-girlfriend, "Elaine," whom he dated on and off for several years after his divorce. He and Elaine had a tumultuous relationship and broke up six months before we met. The reason they couldn't stay together is because she could not deal with his children.
Jeff and I recently bought a house together. I have no reason to distrust him, but I cannot get over the fact that he still talks to Elaine, even though I've told him how I feel. He tells me he will eventually phase her out, but he doesn't want to make an enemy of her. Also, her parents are his clients.
I know that Jeff hates to hurt people, and Elaine was terribly upset when she learned of our engagement. I don't want to be a jealous shrew, but I have a hard time knowing my future husband stays in touch with a woman he slept with.
Jeff has been nothing but wonderful, honest and supportive in all other areas, and I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but this weighs on my mind. Every time the phone rings, I wonder if it's Elaine. Is it unreasonable to ask him to stop speaking to her? -- Morristown, N.J.
Dear Morristown:
It is not unreasonable, but it is unwise. How often does Jeff speak to Elaine? If it's more than once a week, you can ask him to cut back, but otherwise, leave it alone. You say he is honest and you trust him, plus there are business reasons for remaining cordial. Let Jeff cut the cord his own way. He will appreciate your confidence in him.
Welcome to the real world. Jeff knew before people before he met you. He even had children with at least one of them. And, with 5 kids between you, Sugar Pie, so do/did you.
Since I assume that Jeff's children were conceived in the usual manner, Jeff is going to be in touch with another woman he slept with - their mother. Is that going to frost you too? If you have an issue with this, you don't trust him as much as you say you do.
El Producto has business connections with Elaine's family. Deal with it. If you raise a fuss about this you will only screw yourself in the figurative end.
To be honest, Fertilla, I would be far more concerned about the reason why Studly and Elaine split (his kids), than the fact that they still speak to each other. I have no idea whether or not Elaine is childfree, maybe she is, or maybe not. However, that said, take a good hard look his kids - the indication here is that they could well be spoiled, undisciplined, manipulative hellions who nurse a secret desire for Mommy and Daddy to reunite and will sabotage every other relationship that comes along in Daddy's life. If Jeff is oblivious to this, yea and verily, deep is the pile of crap you are in.
Just something to think about.
Childfree Abby
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