Message ID: 2tq4q6F21n7huU1@uni-berlin.de
Three months ago, a guy at my college asked me out. His mom comes on all our dates. He's 22, and is not allowed to drive because she says it's dangerous. He's not allowed to see any movie that's rated R. He can only listen to classical music and there are parental controls on the TV.
He doesn't have a job and isn't permitted to answer the phone or door or to stay home alone.
His mother wakes him up every morning, chooses his clothes, packs his lunch, tucks him in at night and reads him a bedtime story. He's not allowed to go online or out in public unless she's there.
Everything I do is compared to his mother. When I try to talk to either of them, he accuses me of trying to turn them against each other.
She's a single mother. I love him, but I feel smothered and trapped. Should I break up?
SECOND FIDDLE
DEAR SECOND:
When the poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways," the answer wasn't "zero." Yet that's what I calculate about what there is to love in this Mama's Boy.
It couldn't be his dependence, his lack of spirit, his insecurity, nor his put-downs comparing you to his keeper. It leaves me wondering if there's a Rescuer living inside you, waiting to save a trapped boy. Forget it.
He'll come out of his locked shell in his own time, or never. But he's sure not going to go over the hill with you, while Mom's there watching.
Break up; this is no relationship. You're the "play date" Mom has permitted.
Call an end to play dates with Mama's boy
October 12, 2004
BY ELLIE TESHER
I agree with my esteemed counterpart.
You can't call yourself "second fiddle" if you are not even in the orchestra. You are dating a two-year old in the body of a 22-year old. If he hasn't cut the apron strings by now - in this situation - it's likely he won't, ever. Or at least until the day Mom keels over - in which case he will still be a two-year old.
Run, put your track shoes on and run. Run as if your heels were on fire and your ass was catching. If he asks why, tell him you are too old for "play dates" and see if it sinks in. More than likely, it won't.
Childfree Abby - from outside the playpen
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/