Message ID: 2tq45aF23cmkiU1@uni-berlin.de
I have a great relationship with my boyfriend of four years. He treats me well; we trust and respect each other. We'll probably marry after college. The problem is, he's not the "ideal type" I envisioned.
I want a career I'm passionate about; he wants a job he can tolerate. He has few interests; I can't find enough time for all of mine. He drinks more often than I'd like, although this hasn't become a problem yet. He's less social than I am, and he's not sure he ever wants children. I definitely do. Yet, I'm still crazy about him. I can't imagine my life without him.
I know I shouldn't wait for a Prince Charming. I should be prepared to love a real person, flaws and all. But how do I know if these are obstacles we need to work through together, or if they're signs that this won't work out and I should move on?
Should I even be worrying about this yet, as we probably won't even get engaged for another two years?
CONFUSED
DEAR CONFUSED:
You're describing a potential Problem Guy, who's light years away from becoming Prince Charming.
Yes, we can all love imperfect people, but it's very hard to be life partners with someone who's so polarized from you in so many ways. It's good news that you're worrying now.
It's time to talk. The baby issue is important; you need to learn how closed he is on the subject. College drinking isn't unusual but needs to be discussed, too, if you even suspect it could become a problem.
Try to assess whether he's still finding his way or is truly a slacker without ambition. Then, imagine your future life with him, without his making any changes.
ELLIE TESHER
October 19, 2004
It seems to me that while you seem to think you have a great relationship, and I admit that trust and respect are very important keys to any relationship, you are two very different people pursuing very different goals, or in his case, no real goals at all.
It may be that as my esteemed counterpart days, "still finding his way", or he may be a slacker, or here's a thought, he may be suffering from some form of depression. Whatever the situation, he is the one, not you, who must decide what to do.
You want to taste what life has to offer, and he just wants to "get by". Sooner or later, this will clash, and clash horribly. If you marry this man, sooner or later you will come to view him and his lack of enthusiasm as "dead weight" and be bored to tears with him and this relationship. You will, at that time, kick yourself for not choosing someone whose goals and dreams are at least a little closer than what this guy happens to be. While there may be no such thing as a true "Prince Charming" there certainly is a "Mr Closer than what this guy happens to be".
Now, as it comes to children, there is nothing wrong with not wanting them. But here is something that you should consider yourself: You say you "want a career that you feel passionate about"; this is a most laudable goal. However, you also say that you want children. Depending on what you deem to be "a career you feel passionate about" you may find these goals to be mutually exclusive. As Judy Chicago so aptly put it "I believe that one of the pernicious lies that has been told to your generation is that one can 'have it all'." There are only so many hours in a day, and so many days in a week. It is very probable that in career and parenting, you may excel at one at the expense of the other, or settle for being mediocre at both. You, too, may have to make a choice.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/