Message ID: 2u1sqbF25mhv1U1@uni-berlin.de
I am planning a trip with some friends and family next year, and it was difficult finding a date we could all schedule together.
Here is the problem: This will be the first time in our 16 years of marriage that our kids will not be going with us. Worse, we will be leaving on our youngest daughter's 10th birthday. She already is mad at us for going on this trip without her.
My wife feels guilty and has decided she no longer wants to leave on that day. I say it's OK. My daughter will be in school, and her party will be the weekend before. The others who are going with us cannot change the date. I want to do what's right by everyone. Can you help?
-- No Longer Making the Arrangements
Dear No Longer:
Your daughter will get over your leaving on her birthday, since the celebration is the weekend before. However, your wife may not be able to get past her guilt. For her sake, can you leave the following day and join the rest of your party at the destination? If so, that's our recommendation.
Your bags are packed and your wife has already left - on a guilt trip. What she needs is a proverbial slap upside the head so that she can reflect on what she is teaching her daughter: if you whine and carry on enough you can manipulate your parents any way you wish. As you stated, your daughter's birthday will be celebrated the weekend before and, in fact, she has nothing to whine about. What she really wants is to go on that trip, and if she can't go, she is trying to do her very best to make sure that you and your wife don't go either.
It is a regrettable fact that parents have been loath to set boundaries for their children. In many cases this is so much so that there is some confusion about the roles in these situations. In short, just who is the parent here? It is a pity that you (plural) did not teach your daughter that there are some places and situations where children are not included. Being a parent means setting boundaries, and not buckling under to your child's every whim, for the good of the child. Think of it this way, if you and your wife cannot say "no" to your child at 10, how are you going to do it when she is 14? Believe me, its not going to get easier.
I disagree with my esteemed counterpart. Your daughter is acting like a spoiled brat, and your wife is giving into it. Grow some spine, both of you.
Childfree Abby - resolutely
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