Message ID: 30k88hF2veh1jU1@uni-berlin.de
My wife's two much older sisters, both single moms, are challenging our marriage. I appreciate their emotional and financial difficulties, but I'm overwhelmed by their expectations. They act rough with my wife and me whenever we're unable to help. They think they have a right of access to our home. They send their kids every school holiday to stay with us. They ask for assistance often.
In their eyes, we owe them. A "no" is an insult! When we complain, I'm verbally abused, my wife is rebuked, told to get another marriage. She has suggested running away from them.
She feels everything is unfair to me. We have two children, and otherwise enjoy being together and working for prosperity and a happy marriage.
-- LOST IN DIRECTION
DEAR LOST:
Don't lose sight of what you already have: happiness and comfort. Decide together what you can afford to give these sisters, and what you can live with denying. Your wife would likely feel remorse at cutting them off completely, even if the current pressure is unpleasant.
Decide your limits, tell them to these sisters: You'll take the kids for Christmas, say, but will be away for Easter. You'll give birthday and holiday cash gifts, but can't support them daily.
Communicate, and stick to it. Don't be bullied, but be reasonable and realistic about how much you can pull back without making personal prosperity more of a value than happiness and peace of mind.
Rude sisters demand help, sitter service; how do you say no?
BY ELLIE TESCHER
November 24, 2004
Your sisters-in-law seem to be very bitter about some very poor choices in their lives. Furthermore, they are labouring under the misconception that they are entitled to have their poor choices subsidized by everyone around them, including you and your wife. You are under no obligation to provide free childcare, or provide financial support for these children as (supposedly) they have two parents to support them.
It is time for a little "attitude adjustment" on both your parts. First, you and your wife need to stick together and grow some mutual spine. Second, the next time you say "no" and they start to abuse the both of you, show them the door, intoning the magic words; "We've done the two of you a helluva lot of favours in the past, with damn little thanks. We don't owe you anything. Come back when you realize some gratitude and show some respect. Suck it up, Toots."
What is the worst that can happen?
They will get angry and refuse to talk to you anymore?
Sounds like a blessing to me.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/