Message ID: 30mc2bF324um4U1@uni-berlin.de
I am a 23-year-old woman and have been married for a little more than two years.
My husband and I own our home, have new cars and reliable jobs. Our families have been very supportive with all of our decisions so far. We have decided we are ready to start a family.
The problem is that my parents are not very supportive on this subject. My in-laws have told us they are happy for us and would be there for us 100 percent.
My parents say they wish I would wait until I am 25 and more responsible. My parents live five states away from us and have made it very clear that they would not be moving back to this area for a while -- if ever.
I am very confused and upset that my parents are not supportive of our decision. I thought for sure that my mom would be thrilled to be a grandmother.
What should I do? Should I go ahead and make the choice that my husband and I want, or do I respect my parents?
-- Torn Between Two
Dear Torn:
You can do both -- live your life and respect your parents, but first you do need to grow up, just a little.
I'm not sure why you crave your parents' permission to take this step, but I can only conclude that you are bringing this issue to them because you are either not ready to make this decision on your own or don't want to take full responsibility for making such a big decision.
You've reached the point in your life where your choices -- and the consequences of these choices -- should be your own. You've asked for their support, they're not prepared to give it, so now the decision is truly yours to make.
Ok, lets take a look at a few things: You both have good jobs, drive new cars, and a house. All of these are good but very expensive things. At the end of the month, after car payments, and mortgage, how much is left over?
You want to have a baby, but are disturbed because your parents haven't fallen all over themselves at the prospect of being grandparents. But this one line is the real clue: "My parents live five states away from us and have made it very clear that they would not be moving back to this area for a while -- if ever."
Why should where your parents live have any bearing on your decision to have a baby? My dear, it is not because they would not be thrilled to be grandparents, they may or they may not. They might be a whole lot more thrilled about it if they knew that you did not expect them to be the providers of free childcare, and furthermore, uproot themselves and rearrange their lives for your convenience. That, Honeychild, is the "support" that you are looking for, not sharing the dubious joys of "grand parenting'.
I would guess that right now, given all the financial obligations mentioned above, unless you are both making 6 figure salaries, you haven't got much socked away. If one of you decides to leave work, and stay home with said child, your income will be halved. If both of you want to stay with your jobs, Childcare is expensive, and hellishly so. You can probably kiss goodbye to the equivalent of a good 75% of one your salaries just to pay for that, let alone all the other expenses incurred with a baby.
Your parents, and probably rightfully so, have clued into this scam and think that you should have fewer bills before you decide to reproduce. Then again, they might just not be thrilled at the notion of grandparenthood. Either way, you had better do some long hard thinking about the costs of parenting, before you indulge in it.
Childfree Abby
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/