Childfree Abby - The Opium of the Masses09 December 2004Message ID: 31r7huF3e5o79U1@individual.net
Dear Annie: My best friend, "Sue," and my fiance, "Sam," don't get along. Normally, I would not consider this cause for concern. However, the reason for their rift is what worries me. Sam, who is Jewish, has accused Sue of being anti-Semitic. I have known Sue since kindergarten. Although she has strong religious beliefs, I never have heard her make a prejudicial statement of any kind. I know she does not approve of interfaith relationships, but I thought she supported my choice. Sam informed me of several anti-Semitic comments that Sue allegedly said to him. When I asked Sue if this was true, she appeared shocked and denied it. She then approached Sam about his accusations in order to straighten out any miscommunication between them. Now Sam is upset with me. He thinks our conversations should be private and that I should have taken his word for what happened. He says Sue is lying. He thinks I have put Sue before him and has asked me to end my friendship with her. This is strictly his word against hers, Annie. I love Sam and want my marriage to work. He is attentive to my needs and very protective. He treats me like a princess. At the same time, I don't wish to end a lifelong friendship over something I can't prove. Should I drop Sue and lose the friends who are taking her side? Or risk losing Sam and the friends who believe him? -- Need the Wisdom of Solomon Dear Need Wisdom: Here's our take on it. Because Sue disapproves of interfaith relationships, she most likely said something to Sam that he interpreted as anti-Semitic, since he is doubtless sensitive to such comments. Our concern is that Sam shows no interest in clarifying the situation or working with you to improve it. His need for you to cut off a longtime friend and accept his word unquestioningly disturbs us and doesn't speak well for his ability to deal with other conflicts that undoubtedly will come up in your marriage. If you haven't had couples counseling, please look into it before moving forward.
Dear Needs, Religion has been the root of more strife in this world than any other cause. Even different sects of the same religion can't agree. Personally, if it were ChildFree Abby's call on the matter, I think I would strongly advise re-evaluating your relationship with both of these people. I agree with my esteemed counterpart that Sue in her "strong religious beliefs" and the fact that "does not approve of interfaith relationships" more than likely let her beliefs over ride her mouth and said something that ticked Sam off. She probably, as those who have "strong religious beliefs" (i.e. intolerant) didn't even realize that what she said would be considered offensive. They truly believe what they say and furthermore that it is their right and duty to do so, in order to "save" the other party. Proselytizing is both tiresome and offensive to most people. As for Sam, someone who would insist that you accept his word unquestioningly (absolute obedience) and insist on ending a lifelong relationship (cutting you off from friends) is distressingly close to being a controller and an abuser. He is displaying a total lack of confidence in you and in your relationship. A more confident, and yes, healthier individual, would have just given Sue enough rope to hang herself, or enough time for her to educate herself, if possible. As I see it, both of these people have some control issues, one of which could become exceedingly annoying, and the other who shows signs of being an abuser. What, really, do you need from either?
Childfree Abby
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