Childfree Abby - Held Hostage by a Toddler02 January 2005Message ID: 33qj67F4299fcU1@individual.net
Dear Annie: After numerous e-mails and phone calls with my sister-in-law, we could hardly wait for a week's visit from my brother's family. After the first night, however, my relatives were in total shock after witnessing the behavior of my brother's 2-year-old daughter, "Misty." Misty walked all over our furniture, constantly screaming, hitting, pinching and pushing everyone she encountered. She even hit her parents and her 8-year-old brother. She is the most unhappy child I have ever seen. We have a 3-year-old who plays beautifully with other children. Misty was abusive to her cousin, and at no time did her parents discipline her. When Misty was awake, there was a lot of tension. When she was asleep, we all had a great time. I couldn't sit and watch Misty abuse my daughter, so I finally confronted my brother and his wife. They swore up and down that they had never seen Misty act this way before and she has never had a problem playing with other children. Yet every time Misty screamed, hit or walked on my furniture, I was told repeatedly by her parents that "Misty just needs her space." I'm just so hurt and frustrated that a 2-year-old could ruin a visit. I realize the child is not to blame if her parents have not done their job properly. I do not care to be around Misty or subject my child to her. But I had such a great time with my brother, his wife and their son that I'd love to see them again. They want us to visit next summer. What should I do? -- Misty's Hostage Dear Hostage: Toddlers, fortunately, change a great deal over a short time, and by next year, Misty may be much better behaved. Try not to pass judgement so soon. By all means, plan to see your brother next summer, but make reservations at a nearby motel, so you can control how much time you spend with Misty.
Dear Hostage Frankly, I doubt that your brother and his wife had "never seen Misty act this way before". I think that this is the first time that anyone had ever called them on their daughter's actions. Their comment of "Misty just needs her space" speaks volumes. Indeed, it says this behaviour is nothing new and they don't have the intestinal fortitude to do anything about it. What was needed here was one whack on the backside by a parental palm to get Misty's attention, then stand in the corner. Repeat as necessary. However this action, or any action for that matter, is not likely to be undertaken by her parents who are utterly cowed by that child. What can you do? To be honest, your brother and his wife have proven themselves to be woefully ineffective as parents. That being the case, Misty's behaviour isn't likely to improve over the course of 6 months or so. Furthermore, her parents can't be trusted to evaluate her behaviour in any objective manner. In short, they will lie like sidewalks should you ask them if Misty's behaviour has improved. The motel idea is a good one, but it will only ensure that any time you spend with your brother will be in Misty's presence, and therefore, visit ruined. You could also try this: Since you can't directly discipline Misty, you have to discipline, or train, her parents. When Misty starts acting up, stand up, say "This behaviour isn't acceptable in our home" and show them the door. Hopefully, they will get a clue; more likely though, they will just get angry with you. Personally, I would put off all visits until Misty has left home, or been jailed, whatever comes first.
Childfree Abby
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