Childfree Abby - Saddle up and hit the trail22 January 2005Message ID: 35fgckF4kae9lU1@individual.net
Dear Abby: I'm a professional woman who has never married. For the last two years, I have been dating "Mel," the single father of 11-year-old "Tracey." We live separately, but I'm at their house frequently, helping with and sharing meals, helping Tracey with her homework, contributing to and buying groceries, doing dishes and other chores. I often sleep at Mel's and am involved in the evening "tucking in" ritual. It has been an enlightening and challenging experience for me. When I do things independently -- keep in mind that Mel and Tracey are almost always invited to participate in whatever I'm doing -- he often chooses to stay home. Then he tells me it's unfair that I get "all the freedom" he's stuck here with the kid again. Mel has never had a baby-sitter, although the parents of Tracey's friends were willing to have her on play dates a few times when we first started dating. I try to be fair and helpful, but it seems like Mel resents me for not always dedicating myself to "the family." Am I being selfish? Should I stand my ground even if it results in the end of the relationship? -- Cornered In Montana Dear Cornered: Stand your ground and recognize that you are dealing with a negative personality. Rather than being grateful for everything you do for him and his daughter, Mel is attempting to make you feel guilty for not doing more. It's not selfish to want or need personal time, so please don't allow yourself to be put on the defensive or manipulated. There is a reason you signed your letter "Cornered." Before devoting more time to the relationship, carefully consider what his expectations of you are and whether you're willing and able to meet them.
Dear Cornered, Saddle up and hit the trail. Here you are, involved with some single father who gets his knickers in a twist because you, a single unencumbered woman, "gets all the freedom". You have - as I see it - bent over backwards, making him and his offspring integral parts of your life with 1) precious little thanks from him and 2) demands for more. Face it, what he wants you to do is to take over full-time parenting so he can he can devote his time to how he chooses. Are you willing to do this? From the tone of your letter, I think not. The next time "Mel" whines about how "unfair" it is, tell him that we all have choices and bear the consequences of those choices. His choice, some 12 years ago, was not to wrap his dick and father an child. Therefore he is a father with all the responsibilities thereof. (Read that as "his" responsibility, as in "not yours".) Mel doesn't sound very happy with his choice, but again, that isn't your problem. That he is "always stuck with the kid" is, according your letter, untrue. He has lots of options, but has chosen to avail himself of none of them, he would rather whine and play the martyr. If standing your ground and sticking up for yourself means the end of the relationship, then so be it, and count yourself lucky you only invested two years in it. As far as I can see this laughable excuse for a relationship hasn't done anything for you anyway. The sooner you get the hell out of Dodge, the better for you. It may sound very cliché but I really do feel sorry for the daughter. She is growing up with a father who has a martyr complex and none of this is her fault either.
Childfree Abby
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