Childfree Abby - Answering "The Question"24 January 2005Message ID: 35ksagF4m9qgqU1@individual.net
Dear Amy: My husband and I are both 26 and have been married for three years. We are growing weary and frustrated at having to respond to the question, "When are you going to have children?" on a weekly, if not daily, basis. We are both college-educated professionals and are settled in our jobs. It seems that our friends, family and co-workers feel that we should be having children at this time. However, we feel this is a personal decision that should not be influenced by anyone but ourselves. How can we respond politely to what we feel is a rude question without having to justify our choices in the process? -- Not Pregnant in Illinois Dear Not Pregnant: This question is indeed rude, and it's somewhat amazing to me that people are still out there asking it. In addition to it just being too flat-out personal, the whole "when are you having children" question can be a very painful one for couples, especially if they are having fertility issues or have recently suffered a miscarriage. Let's assume, however, that people mean well. They do poorly, but they mean well. This baby query is one way for people to demonstrate that they are interested in your lives. When people ask overly personal or intimate questions and you don't want to answer, one response is to say, "Why do you ask?" When the person answers, you reply, "It's such a personal question, I don't feel comfortable answering it." One minor problem with this method is that it doesn't permit you to move far enough away from the original topic. That's why I like my mother's old standby response to any personal question she doesn't want to answer: She says, "I don't know. What's new with you lately?" It's short, sweet and cycles right back to most people's favorite topic: themselves.
In dealing with rudeness, keep it short, sweet
Dear Not Pregnant, The one thing that I find extremely irksome is that my esteemed counterpart, ever the fawning acolyte of the child, is that she cannot get it through her head that there are some people who just simply do not want children. So much so that she can only couch her answer in terms of how painful this question can be "especially if they are having fertility issues or have recently suffered a miscarriage." As if everyone who faced with that question can only be disturbed under those conditions. People who don't want children just don't even register on her radar. Frankly, after being faced with that question time and again and finding that the "velvet glove" treatment is frequently ignored, ChildFree Abby suggests a more "Steel Fist" approach. Feel free to choose from the following:
The "barely civil" approach:
The "ball is in your court" approach:
The "short and sweet" approach:
The "short and sweet" approach with optional profanity:
The "too much information" approach:
The "psychotherapy" approach: Any one of these should silence any repeat questioning.
Childfree Abby
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