Childfree Abby - Pardon me "Dr" but your bias is showing26 January 2005Message ID: 35psj6F4ocnpcU1@individual.net
This article has been modified as the result of a legal threat to this site. In the original article, the source material was properly attributed and a link was provided for readers to visit Dr. Tracy Cabot's site, if they so wished. There was no attempt to pass the quoted material off as CF Abby's own, and CF Abby obviously does not receive any financial advantage either from her substantial commentary or the source material. The Editor feels that although the loveadvice.com Webmaster's demand was couched in terms of protecting Dr. Tracy's copyright -- and he was certainly within his rights to do so -- it was in reality an attempt to stifle CF Abby's strongly-worded criticism of Dr. Tracy's "work". -- Editor
Dear Readers, CF Abby originally posted her commentary about "Dr" Tracy Cabot's Three Strikes, You're Out! column of 16th January 2004 (http://www.loveadvice.com/COLUMN.HTM) on alt.support.childfree. Apparently, an inordinate amount of traffic originating from the CF Abby archives here on dismal light was noted on the website of the good "Dr" Tracy. As such an e-mail duly arrived requesting that said column be removed. So, in order to comply with the letter of the law, CF Abby presents a "summary version" of the original letters: The Question originates from a 34-year-old man with both a PhD and an MS and working towards a law degree. He seems to have a well-rounded life with lots of interests, a reasonable sense of humour and two dogs of which he is very fond. He attributes his lack of success in forming a serious relationship in the fact that he perceives himself to be "short and unattractive". Furthermore, he does not like or want children and he knows that he would not make a good parent, step or otherwise. He wonders where he should look to find a woman who doesn't want children. At that, "Dr" Tracy gets her ovaries in a twist at the mere thought that someone should neither like or want children. She accuses the questioner of among other things "being selfish" and lacking in any attributes of caring, support and nurturing. She further goes on to state that ALL women want children and that his hopes of finding a relationship are slim to none unless he finds someone who is "short and unattractive" enough that "maybe they would be grateful enough for his love" to forgo having children. CF Abby's response follows:
Dear Dr Emptiness, Allow me first to assure you that there are many women out there who have decided that having children and child rearing are not for them. I respectfully suggest that you have been fishing in the wrong pond. Do a search on "childfree" on the internet and you will find many resources at your fingertips, from social organizations through to rant boards and support groups. As for being "short and unattractive", I must remind you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that cuts both ways. The remainder of this letter is directed to the author of that utterly pathetic excuse for advice that you received. Read on, you too may find it enlightening.
Yours in Childfreeness, Dear "Dr" Tracy: To be quite frank, "Dr", your bias is showing and showing badly. I must admit that I find your claim to hold a Ph.D. in psychology to be "interesting" to say the least. I have noted that your alma mater is curiously absent in your biography. I cannot help but wonder whether you attained this doctorate from such stellar institutions as "Ralph's Diploma Mill and All Nite Bowl-a-drome" or "The Dr. Laura Schlessinger School of Media Psychotherapy". You have made errors that would give a failing grade to any 1st year psych student, namely: failing put aside your own personal bias, and avoid judgements based on your own pre-conceived notions. In your letter to "Dr. Emptiness" (I shall not dignify it with the terms "advice" or "counselling") your personal bias shines like the proverbial two-dollar whore and you make leap after quantum leap from unsubstantiated conclusion to unsubstantiated conclusion like a bullfrog afflicted with St. Vitus' Dance. Furthermore, you are both patronizing and insulting to someone who has clearly put a great deal of time and thought into his decision, and his only crime, if crime it is, is that it clashes with yours. Allow me to enlighten you: All women do *NOT* want children. Birth control has made many strides in the last 50 years, and, so has the education of women. As such, the choice to have children is just that: a choice. It will probably come as a complete surprise to you that there is a significant number of women (some sources have placed it as high as 20%) have chosen not to make parenthood part of their lives. Who are we? We are service people, medical and IT professionals, artists, educators, academics, photographers and journalists. In short, we come from all walks of life, follow all professions. The only thing that we all have in common is that we really do not want to have children. Oh, yes, and we are not all "short and unattractive" either. Before you get on your high horse and scream "child haters" I will beat you to the punch. Yes, you are correct in some cases, but not all. If some people don't like children, so what? Many people don't like okra or chinese opera and it is not a problem. Indeed, many of our number devote their lives to other people's children in various capacities, but just do not want any of their own. (As someone once said to me, why don't you have kids, you seem to like them? And my response was "sure, and I like elephants too, but it doesn't mean I want one in my back yard". Our reasons for not wanting to become parents are many, varied and as individual as we are. But back to your letter above. To be honest, I see nothing in the letter that states that the good Dr is not supportive, affectionate caring, or nurturing. Quite the opposite, truth be known. If anything, he is honest with his realization that he would not make a good parent. (Would that many so called "parents" had been that honest! If that were the case there would be far fewer abused and neglected children in the world.) You are correct in that any relationship requires compromise. However, there are some issues that are deal breakers, the figurative "line in the sand" that cannot be crossed and should not be crossed - and having children is one of them. Children should be wanted by both parents. Having a child when one of the parents is, to say the least, unenthusiastic about it, is the height of selfishness and ego-centrism. As for being shunned by family and friends, if friends do not accept you for what you are, it is not a friendship. If your family does not accept your choices, the relationship is not worth maintaining. In closing, "Dr", I remind you that biology is not destiny and suggest that you remove your head from your rectum and retake your first year psychology class.
Childfree Abby
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