Childfree Abby - Should this marriage be saved?27 February 2005Message ID: 38dr4tF5nm5k6U1@individual.net
Dear Abby: Good Christians are supposed to practice forgiveness, but it's not always easy. My husband, "Carl," has been having an off-and-on affair with my brother's wife, "Joanne." I found out when I accidentally caught them together. Carl begged me to forgive him. We started marriage counselling, but all that came out of it was his confession that the affair had been going on for 15 years. When I confided it to my sister, she told me that Joanne had tried to seduce her husband too. Over the years, I had felt uneasy about Joanne flirting with my husband. I talked to them about it at one point, but they said I was being hormonal and it was only my imagination. I offered Carl a divorce, but he insists that he loves me. He says he's sorry and he wants to stay with me. We've been married for 36 years. Carl and I are respected members of our community. We have been successful in our business and our church. Our neighbours would be scandalized if they knew about all this. Carl is begging me to give him another chance, but how can I ever trust him again? -- Disillusioned Wife In Delaware Dear Disillusioned: You have everything to gain and nothing to lose if you give it a try. Although your hurt and distrust are understandable, it isn't too late to salvage your marriage, if you are both willing to work at it.
Dear Disillusioned: Forgiveness is well and good, but a lot of people seem to think that "I forgive you" means that all is forgotten and that things just go on as they were, with no further ramifications and all is just hunky dory. Not so. There are other parts to forgiveness, the hard parts that are not acknowledged enough; such was responsibility and contrition. Just because you forgive someone does not mean you cease to hold them responsible for their actions. From looking at your letter, I think that your husband has far more to lose should this marriage go down than you do. You mention you are respected members of your community and church, further that your neighbours will be scandalized. To be honest, should this all come out, you will smell like a rose, and your husband will lose all that and add to it the ignominy of screwing around with his brother's wife and the familial repercussions thereof. Knowing that, I would bet Carl is crapping his proverbial pants with fear. You have tried marital counselling without success, because your husband pretty much refused to participate. This does not speak well for responsibility and contrition on his part. I suspect that Carl is hoping that you will forgive him, everything will be swept firmly back under the carpet and he can slink back to his former ways. In the end, this is about what you want and need - not your community, not your church and not your neighbours, but you and you alone. However, as the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Childfree Abby - Pragmatically
|