Childfree Abby - The Mother Outlaw12 March 2005Message ID: 39gm3tF62gp3lU1@individual.net
Dear Annie: My sister-in-law, "Diane," recently started a small business, and my mother-in-law, "Annette," has been helping her. They agreed to split the profits. Business was slow at first, and there were no profits after the bills were paid. Annette complained to everyone who would listen that she wasn't making any money. One day, Annette confessed to me that if a customer pays in cash, she just pockets it. I was appalled, but my husband said to keep quiet. Six weeks later, Diane called me, frantic, because money and inventory were missing. She asked for my help, and I told her what I knew about Annette. Diane was horrified and furious. Three weeks ago, when the books were off again, Diane confronted her mother, who then said all kinds of vicious things about me. In retaliation, I spilled the beans to Diane about the nasty things Annette had said about her -- and there were plenty. Diane trusts me and knows I am telling the truth. Annette is taking her anger out on the grandchildren, and badmouthing my husband and me to whoever will listen. But this month, the books were right on. My mother-in-law has a long history of lying and rotten behavior, but everyone writes it off as a personality disorder. I cannot fathom stealing from my own child and am outraged by her subsequent hostility. Should I confront her? -- And You Think Your Mother-in-Law Is Bad? Dear AYTYMILIB: What are you hoping to accomplish? Annette sounds as if she isn't playing with a full deck, and unless she is willing to seek professional help to readjust her behavior, nothing will change. You do not have to maintain contact if she is mean to your children, but please don't add fuel to the fire. Let your husband deal with his mother as he wishes, but you should steer clear.
Dear Very Long Acronym, Your mother in law is a thief and obviously does not view herself as such. This is very much the same as parents who get credit cards, etc. in the names of their children and proceed to ruin their children's credit record after they have ruined their own. They really don't think they have done anything wrong. At All. Frankly, I doubt that this behaviour developed overnight - and therefore, Diane was nuts when she decided to open a business with "Annette" whom I presume is her mother. Now, that said, where do you stand in all of this? Yes, you could confront her, and while being somewhat emotionally satisfying, what will it accomplish? Annette will never admit that she has done anything wrong; she will not apologize or change her ways. Your best bet is to have as little to do with her as possible. Believe me, your children will not suffer from the absence of a grandmother who is both a liar and a thief. Also, don't lie for her. If she admits to sticky fingers in the till again, don't be shy about telling Diane. Lying for Annette will gain you nothing. Besides, since everyone knows Annette for what she is, they will disregard what she says. It would be advisable for "Diane" to buy "Annette" out as soon as possible. Also, if anything else goes missing, report Annette to the police. It may be the only wake-up call she understands.
Childfree Abby
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