Childfree Abby - A Man's Home is His... Whatever20 March 2005Message ID: 3a5jrlF64qabhU1@individual.net
DEAR ABBY: I'm 19, and last month I moved in with my boyfriend of five years. Ever since we got settled in our new home, he has invited his friends over on a daily basis. It's not just one or two, Abby; he has six to nine people stopping by every day to hang out, watch movies and even eat dinner with us. I have tried expressing to him that I'd like to be asked before these people are invited. He'll comply occasionally, but most of the time I come home and find three people lounging in our living room like they own the place. His response when I get upset is, "I pay half the rent. Can't I have my friends over?" There are nights when I want to come home, put my feet up, and read a book in peace and quiet, or better yet, spend time just with him. How can I communicate this without making him defensive? -- CROWDED OUT IN MINNESOTA DEAR CROWDED: There is a secret to successful cohabitation. It's called compromise. Consideration for the other person's feelings is also helpful. Before inviting friends to come and hang out, or share a meal, your boyfriend should call and ask if that's OK with you. That's what partners do to keep peace under their roof. Please clip this and show it to your boyfriend. It's not a question of all or nothing; it's simply common courtesy.
Dear Crowded Out, Pardon me for bursting your bubble, but I really don't think you and your boyfriend are on the same page. Given your age, I'll make an educated guess that this may be your collective first flights from the family nest. That said, while you may be ready for "cohabitation" and he may see this as "first chance away from family control" and therefore "partay". Now, nothing is wrong with either of these per se, but they just don't make a good mix. His response of "I pay half the rent. Can't I have my friends over?" speaks volumes. Well, yes, but on the other hand, you pay half the rent too. If he does not acknowledge that you have some rights here and gets defensive at a request for consideration, I suspect your boyfriend would be better suited to a roommate rather than a live-in lover at this stage of the game. I think he has a lot of stuff to work out of his system before he is ready to make the compromises needed to make a successful live-in relationship. Besides are these 6 - 9 people chipping in for the groceries? I didn't think so. So, unless you want to be considered the "evil girlfriend" who "won't let him have any fun at all", because that is the direction he seems to be headed, maybe you ought get a place of your own. Let him foot the bill for the rent, and the groceries for this crowd. I think your boyfriend is in need of an education that he must experience for himself.
Childfree Abby
|