Childfree Abby - Hellions do not improve with age30 March 2005Message ID: 3avt49F6efh6uU1@individual.net
Dear Amy: I am a single mother and have been divorced for about two years. I have met a guy who is in his 30s. I am in my 20s. He seems like a great guy. He has a child whom he has custody of. He seems to be a great dad. He accepts my children as his own. He says that he expects them to mind him and respect him just as he would expect his child to do. And I agree with him, but I'm just not sure how much discipline I should allow. My kids are quite out of hand and I can't seem to control them, but he seems to be able to lay down the law to them and they believe him. We are talking about getting married in a couple of years. He says if he can't have my permission to correct my children, then things would never work because they would run over him and would not respect him. What is the right thing to do? -- Confused Dear Confused: Because you say that this guy "seems" to be a great guy and a great dad, my first suggestion would be to delay marriage until you are absolutely sure he is as swell as he seems to be, because blending a family where there are problems with the kids is as challenging as it gets. Many a stepparent has stepped into a chaotic family situation and saved the day by being loving and firm, and providing the stability that children need. Your guy is right that if he can't correct and discipline your children, then they will run over him -- especially if they are already out of control. If you genuinely feel your guy is a better and more effective parent than you are, then by all means learn from him. If there are areas of his parenting that make you uncomfortable -- for instance, if you feel he is too harsh with his son or with your kids -- then the two of you must arrive at a parenting compromise. While you are working things out with him, it would be agood idea for you both to take a parenting class as a way to get on the same page about this. A parenting program I like is "1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12," by Thomas W. Phelan, PhD (www.parentmagic.com). Phelan's program relies on a very simple discipline idea that he described to me as "a no 'monkey business' approach to parenting without yelling, arguing or spanking." That sounds about right.
Dear Confused, If you are waffling on this matter, I would strongly suggest that you put this marriage on hold, possibly indefinitely. By your own admission, your children are like chimpanzees on crack and you are without any idea how to control them. Also, by your own admission, he is a better parent than you happen to be. Let me tell you what will happen if you get together with this guy and you don't back each other up: Children are master manipulators, in case you haven't noticed, and it is obvious they have you wrapped around their respective fingers. Your kids will play one of you against the other, and eventually your marriage will fail because of it. That being the case, why bother getting married in the first place? Children who are hellions today do not improve with age. Your kids need boundaries and discipline, and in fact, they are crying out for it and you are too spineless to do anything about it. Let me clue you in: you are the parent here, not their best buddy. You have to learn to say No, and stick to it. Sure, they will whine and cry and say they hate you, because that is what kids do. But you are the adult, you have to be the mature one, and you have to see "the big picture" that they can't. It is highly likely that this man may be the best thing that will happen to your children. Why? Because he will do what you are failing to do: namely civilize them. However, if you don't present a united front, it is hopeless anyway.
Childfree Abby
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