Childfree Abby - He Doesn't Want Kids - Redoux31 March 2005Message ID: 3b2l73F6et6okU1@individual.net
Dear Amy: I have been with my boyfriend for almost six years. We definitely want to spend the rest of our lives together. Unfortunately, he doesn't want kids and I do. I don't want them now by any means, I'm only 25, but I do want them eventually, and he is inflexible on the subject. He tells me maybe someday he might want them, but right now he can't see that happening. He doesn't want to waste my time, but we don't want to give up on the relationship. He had a rough childhood thanks in part to his parents' divorce. He also suffers from dyslexia and ADHD and doesn't want our kids to inherit them. I've tried to explain that he'd make a wonderful dad and that we can work through any problems our children or we might have, but he won't listen. He's afraid of what he calls the "genetic crapshoot" of having kids. Please help. -- Willing to Throw the Dice Dear Dice: Your boyfriend is being honest, and even if you don't like his version of the future, you have to accept his honesty about it. He may change his mind, but you shouldn't throw the dice and hope he does. That is a terrible way to start a marriage -- or a family. Please encourage him to enter counseling with you to talk this out with a third party -- not to persuade him to change his mind, but to talk about where you should go from here. Your doctor can refer a geneticist who could answer his questions. The last thing you want is to march into the future together with this huge question unresolved. Having children with a reluctant husband means that you may end up raising them alone.
Dear Dice, For once, Childfree Abby finds herself agreeing with most of what her esteemed counterpart suggests. However, Childfree Abby would like to point out something that her esteeemed counterpart seems to have missed. Have you noticed that your letter is all about you, and what you want? The most glaring example of this is: "I've tried to explain that he'd make a wonderful dad and that we can work through any problems our children or we might have, but he won't listen. He's afraid of what he calls the "genetic crapshoot" of having kids." What about the children and the struggles that they would have to face with ADHD and dyslexia? Or don't they enter in the equation? Your boyfriend has been there, done that, and doesn't want to pass that on to anyone. Fine, maybe you can "work through" any problems, but the children would have to live with them and these are two vastly different things. You may be willing to "throw the dice" but clearly he is not. What you seem to want to get out of this is some sort of ego gratification, consequences to any potential children be damned. That doesn't speak well to the possibility of being a good parent on your part. Childfree Abby has heard time and again, as most Childfree have, that "we would make wonderful mothers/fathers" that may be so, but we don't want to be mothers/fathers. We have looked at child rearing and have decided for reasons many and varied that parenting isn't for us. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, look at the relationship you have, you say you want to spend the rest of your lives together. Obviously, it must be a good relationship in every other way. If he hasn't wavered in his decision in 6 years, it's very likely he won't. Do you want to give up all that is good about this relationship about that one thing? However, if you just can't do without kids, he has been honest with you. Don't waste your time and his - move on.
Childfree Abby
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