Childfree Abby - Your Role in this Drama21 April 2005Message ID: 4267ad64_1@x-privat.org
Dear Amy: I have been married for 22 years and have two lovely children ages 10 and 8. After our children were born, my wife and I have never spent any private time together. She sleeps with my son and daughter; I sleep in the other bedroom. My children won't sleep by themselves, and we have not tried to break this habit. My in-laws are very nice people. They help my wife six or seven days a week. They buy some of our groceries and give us a good bit of money to pay for private schools. They go with us on day trips and on vacation. In a nutshell, my wife puts the children first, her parents second and me third. If I ask her to go out with me alone, she makes some excuse. We have not been out to dinner or to a movie in 11 years. The last movie out that I saw was "Forrest Gump." My wife won't ask her parents to baby-sit because they are over at our house for part of every day. My wife would not trust anyone else to baby-sit because she is so overprotective. I let my wife run the ship, but is there anything I can do to get her to give me any time? -- Busted in Baltimore Dear Baltimore: I know you want me to think that this is about going to the movies, but it isn't. You seem quite focused on your needs, when you really should be worrying about your children. They need an advocate in your home and, unfortunately, it seems that you have chosen to leave their parenting to people who either don't know what damage they are doing, or don't care. It is selfish of your wife to retard your children's growth and independence in this way, and I am surprised that you could stand by and passively watch. If your children are taught that the world is such a frightening place that they can't even sleep alone, they are going to have a very hard time attaining even a modest level of independence. You need to get serious about being a parent. When you start making decisions based on what is healthiest for your children, your family should come more into focus. Accepting your in-laws' money in exchange for their constant presence is one priority that must be shifted. Before you get your wife into couples therapy (and you must), pick up and read a copy of Dr. Phil McGraw's "Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family" (2004, Free Press).
Seek therapy, be advocate for children
Dear Busted, It should have come to your attention by now that your wife and her parents view your role in this family drama as that of sperm donor and walking wallet. You have fulfilled one part of this role, and the only thing left is the other. I personally think that your wife is a very sick, clinging woman, the product of a couple of very sick, clinging parents. What is going on with your children is child abuse. Your wife should not be sleeping with your children at this age. What are her plans when they reach puberty? Or haven't you thought that far ahead. From the tone of your letter, you don't seem to care what this is doing to your kids, only that you aren't getting your nookie. Like my esteemed counterpart, I stand amazed that you stood by and let this happen without so much as a peep from you. Now, you are writing in wondering how to close the barn door after the proverbial horse has long gone. Other than as a wallet, your wife has no use for you. Period. You have a very tough row to hoe here, dude. If you had been less of an invertebrate 10 years ago, you would not be facing this problem now. Now, you have to grow the spine that you didn't before. You have abdicated your responsibility as a parent and a partner in this marriage long enough. You have allowed your in-laws to make far too many inroads into your personal lives. Your wife is a selfish clinging git, and you have chosen to do nothing about it. You have some responsibility here. Live up to it.
Childfree Abby - disgusted at all of you.
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