Childfree Abby - You Really Don't Need This01 May 2005Message ID: 4274e33d$1_2@x-privat.org
Dear Annie: I am a 37-year-old woman. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old. I've known for many years that Dad is selfish and self-serving, and he's said many hurtful things to me, but I've tried to love him anyway. Last year, Dad turned 60, and I made him a photo album of my treasured memories of him. The day was very nice, and he hugged me and said he loved me. Then, Father's Day came. Dad invited my brother to a Father's Day dinner, but he didn't ask me. He lied to my brother and said I "couldn't come." I also found out there was a Father's Day breakfast, and I had to beg to be invited. However, when I heard about the dinner, I was so humiliated, I skipped out on the breakfast. I wrote a letter to my father explaining why I didn't show and why it is so difficult for me to deal with him. He didn't respond, but his wife did. She sent me a very judgmental e-mail. I called her and said I didn't appreciate her interference. I haven't heard from my father since. He ignored my birthday and excluded me at Christmas. The hurt is so deep, I don't think I can ever forgive him. Father's Day is coming up again. Should I try to repair this? -- Never Daddy's Girl in California Dear Never: You cannot turn your father into a caring, loving person. You must accept him as he is, warts and all. If you want to give up on him, it would be his loss more than yours. However, if you want to try one last time to salvage this, call or write, and say, "Daddy, I love you, and I miss you." That's it. Don't rehash old wounds, because he will become defensive and angry. The next step is up to him.
Dear Never, First, accept the fact that your father will never be the father you want him to be - ever. You say that he is selfish and self-serving, so I have to ask you why you think you need him in your life? Here is the answer - you don't. The fact is, my dear, you are being set up. Your father has you exactly where he wants you. He can ignore you, as he wishes, or toss you a few crumbs now and again. Either way, you are constantly the supplicant and under his thumb. You are looking for some sort of vindication that will never happen. So, unless you really happen to like being humiliated and playing the martyr, you don't have to accept this, or him. If a friend treated you in this manner, this person would no longer be your friend. Why should you accept it because of some accident of birth? Let go. At 60, he isn't likely to change, particularly since he really doesn't want to change. If you think you need permission to do so, here it is. Live your life without him, do not allow yourself be debased and humiliated. Let him do what he wants, and live as he wants. You don't have to be a part of it.
Childfree Abby
|