Childfree Abby - This Man Is Not Your Friend11 May 2005Message ID: 42822ef0_2@x-privat.org
DEAR ELLIE: I'm a single female, 29, who has lost many people close to me. My only grandparent and my dad both died when I was 7; my fiance was killed in a car crash. Throughout, I became more deeply depressed and anxious but wasn't diagnosed until much later. I fell in love with a friend but never told him, and we lost contact. I almost ended my life several times. Finally, a doctor put me on medications that helped. Three years ago my "friend" called. He was divorced and had a child, but said he never stopped caring about me. He asked me to be with him, but only in a sexual way, with no commitment. I told him I couldn't do that. We decided to remain friends. But I love him and want to become his wife and mother of his children. How do I get him to commit to me without him hating me later? -- LOST IN LOVE DEAR LOST: You've had too many deep wounds to set yourself up for more. He's an adult who has had his own disappointments, and has a right to set limits on what he can handle. You cannot make him commit to you, but you can drive him away by trying. However, trying to hang in as his best friend will also leave you frustrated. I urge you to ask your doctor for more than medication; request a referral to a therapist who'll work with you on your sadness. Pinning all your hopes on this man to be your rescuer from the past isn't going to work. You need to rescue yourself through good therapy, and by building relationships that have a chance of lasting.
Dear Lost, Allow me to lay it on the line. You have a lot of problems here, and getting this guy to commit to you is the least of them. Besides that, if he knows (and he probably does) that you are in a very vulnerable state and still wants to keep you as a booty call only is not only unfair, it is abusive. This is not "caring for you" this is "getting his rocks off, at no matter what the cost to the other party". Therefore he ranks somewhere far lower than pond scum in the grand scheme of things. Someone who would do this to you is not your friend. Furthermore, I cannot fathom just how someone with depression and suicidal tendencies could even consider having children. With the utmost respect, this is not "sharing the joy" - and having children would only compound your problems. Not to mention just how having a suicidally depressed mother would affect your children. However, I don't think you really hear that. I think you really want to hear that if you do "this, that and the other" that Mr. Sensitive would run into your arms, and you will live in bliss in rose-covered cottage. Its not going to happen. You need serious therapy and medication before you can even determine what a healthy relationship is, let alone embark on one.
Childfree Abby
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