Childfree Abby - A Cautionary Tale12 May 2005Message ID: 42837220$1_1@x-privat.org
DEAR ELLIE: I'm 20 and have been with my girlfriend for six years; we have two children together and fight constantly. She feels she's ruining my life because I was forced to support my family, while I feel having the kids this soon was bad timing but not a mistake. She's accusing me of cheating on her, complaining about anything she can. She sometimes holds the kids over my head. I'm trying to make her happy by not going out, rarely speaking to any friends, shutting out my family. But the more I give up, the more she wants. I told her I won't keep sacrificing if she isn't also making an effort. I said many other guys would have left, but I love her and I'm trying to work through this. I'm also thinking about our getting married, but I'm afraid that might be the biggest mistake. Her cousins control their boyfriends. Is that what she wants from me? -- HARASSED DAD DEAR HARASSED DAD: There wasn't much "thinking" going on by either of you when you conceived these two kids, so I recommend you put a lot of thought into making this work in a marriage that can last. She's looking for something to be wrong, and that's often a sign of someone's dissatisfactions with her own lot -- in this case, bringing up kids while she's so young herself. You need couples' counseling to deal with the fact that both of you have had to sacrifice your youthful freedoms because of your choice, or happenstance, of having children. Now these innocent little people are the responsibility of both of you, and you need professional help to stop blaming or controlling each other's behavior, and learn to cooperate on the many tasks of family life. Threatening to leave her is no better than her accusations: Get help. Metropolitan Family Services, at www.metrofamily.org, provides professional counselors who can help you explore and understand your problem, and support you in developing solutions. To arrange for counseling, contact the office listed on the Web site.
Couple took early leap into parenthood
Dear Dope If there was ever a cautionary tale to be told about two idiots too dumb to use a condom, this is it and you are living it. No matter how you dress it up and protest to the contrary, you realize this was a mistake, she realizes this was a mistake, and both of you wish this had never happened. She resents you, and you are coming to resent her for the choice that you both made. Now, here you are, both of you, whining like the cases of arrested development you are. Too bad, so sad, but that is a luxury neither of you have any more. By the consequences of your actions, or rather your lack of them (namely figuring out how to use birth control), you are now adults. Your youth is over whether you like it or not, and you now have a responsibility to two children who are unlucky enough to have fools for parents. In short, to the two of you - grow up. You are in an adult situation with the maturity levels of 14 year olds. That has to change - counselling, life skills training - whatever. However, those will only work if you want to make changes - and that's *both* of you. Deal with it.
Childfree Abby
|