Childfree Abby - Make Way For The WAHmbulance16 May 2005Message ID: 4288c27d_2@x-privat.org
DEAR ELLIE: I'm happily married, but my husband and I have been unsuccessful having children. He had a vasectomy after having two children in his first marriage. I didn't have any children from my previous, abusive marriage; also, I wanted to finish my master's degree before being a mom. Now I'm 42, and although my husband had a vasectomy reversal five years ago, we're still unsuccessful after two in-vitro fertilization treatments. We've been told that I'm healthy and in shape, but his sperm count is low. Although he's very supportive, including paying for the expensive treatments, sometimes I feel alone and sad and I cannot share his happiness over his children and grandchildren. Would it be selfish to follow my dream to be a mother and divorce my husband? He was upset at any talk of using donor sperm. Also, I noticed that he has started sending money to his children and having lunch with them without telling me. I don't know if it's worth it to stay and handle the everyday children/grandchildren issue or to separate and have my own child. Do you know where people can meet and find a donor besides sperm banks? -- HOPING TO BE A MOM DEAR HOPING: You can start a search for a sperm donor through your doctor or friends, but I believe it's a terrible idea to seek one without your husband's involvement. Time to ask yourself how much you love this man as a lifetime partner. Or whether you'd rather take the risk of ending up a single mom by leaving and getting pregnant however you can. Only you can answer. Meanwhile, your husband shouldn't have to "sneak around" at being father and grandfather; his concern for your sensitivity, which is admirable, has gone too far when he can't give gifts or see his family openly. If you stay together, you must accept these normal relationships. He has been a willing partner in trying to conceive a child. But, unfortunately, vasectomy reversals don't always work due to a number of factors, such as scarring and the time elapsed since the original surgery. Get couples' counseling together to help each of you understand your mutual needs and anxieties, and plan the next step -- whether together or apart.
Husband vetoes sperm donor -- wife wants kids, ponders divorce
Dear Whiner You say you have a great marriage. Then you say you are willing to throw it all away because he isn't a good sperm donor. Here's a slap upside the head for you - your ova are 42 years old also and their best-before date is probably coming up fast if not past already. This happens regardless of whether you are healthy and in great shape or not. His "'lil swimmers" may be few, but your ova are positively geriatric. I would suspect that your husband is somewhat lukewarm to the idea of parenting again at his age. However, out of regard for you, he has jumped through all these hoops and paid for those fertility treatments. Now its gotten to the point that you are jealous of the time he spends with his children and grandchildren. Here's a clue bat for you: the problem you have will not be cured even if by some accident you should become pregnant and give birth. I think this problem is less and less about having a child and more and more about your own insecurity. The man had a life before you - get over it. You say "sometimes I feel alone and sad and I cannot share his happiness over his children and grandchildren." I have to ask you "why the hell not?" Because they're not your very own? Stop being so damned pathetic, get your head out of your narcissistic ass, and join in.
Childfree Abby
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