Childfree Abby - A Little Dilemma30 May 2005Message ID: 429b1e9b_1@x-privat.org
Dear Childfree Abby, Your advice column really opened my eyes. I wish that all the other advice columnists were as smart, forthright and unchildworshipping (for lack of a better word) as you. There would be a lot less problems in the world. Here's my dilemma: I am 22 years old, female, and going to graduate school. I have many dreams, some old, some new, that I would love to have fulfilled. I will work to make sure they are fulfilled. The thing is, my life, since I've become aware of the childfree movement, has changed my world view. For the longest time, I've felt it was my destiny to have kids. I like kids, and am wonderful with them. I would be a good mother. (interesting fact: four psychics, one in Africa, one in LA, one in Omaha, and one in New Zealand told me that I am going to have twins). But the childfree movement has shown me that many parents turn into stupid, entitlement minded assholes, and I don't want to be like that. I don't want my dreams truncated. But I can see the pros of having kids too. I am more than willing to adopt (quite frankly, pregnancy is unappetizing to me) and even adopt an older child. Throwing more worms into the can is the fact that my family is dysfunctional and has a history of mental illness. I myself have been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and OCD. I have a phobia about vomiting, which all kids do. It's really funny that I can't list the pros of having children right now, but sometimes I just feel it as a heart's fantasy. My question is, how does one arrive at the decision to have or not have children?
Gratefully,
Dear Kathy, Please excuse me for not getting back to you as quickly as I would like, but my life took over from the internet for a while. I have read and reread your letter, and the truth of the matter is that there is no "one way" to arrive at the decision not to have children. For myself, when I was a teen, I took a look at the whole concept of having children and realized that I just couldn't see the point of having them. To me, children were things that latched on to you for at least 18 years, and kept you down from from doing a lot of things. Even then I knew that the choices one makes eliminates some others. Granted, I was also raised at a time when no one was handed, as Judy Chicago so aptly put it, "one of the pernicious lies that has been told to your generation [...] that one can have it all". First off, though, I would set aside whatever any psychic told you about having children. Whatever they tell you isn't cast in stone, and in the end, the choice is still yours. Over the years I've had at least that many tell me I was going to have children. I never did and at age 48, after a hysterectomy, I can tell you that it isn't going to happen. In the end you must evaluate your life, your hopes, dreams and goals, knowing that if you have children, some of them will be truncated if you choose to parent in any form. Then there is the history of mental illness, which would be enough to put anyone off breeding due to the genetic component of some of them. Is it fair to inflict that on a child? Oh, I know that there are some who will say "But it might not happen!" However, they aren't the ones playing genetic russian roulette, are they? They aren't the ones who will be raising said child. Also, given that you have been diagnosed with a myriad of problems, you have to ask yourself how much child rearing will aggravate your own condition, and how effective you will be as a parent because of it. These days, parenting is a choice. You and you alone have to weigh and measure the pros and cons of parenting, and decide if that is what you want for yourself. No-one - not a psychic on any continent, or an advice columnist - can make it for you.
Childfree Abby
|