Childfree Abby - The Spineless Dad26 June 2005Message ID: 42beb3c4_1@x-privat.org
Dear Annie: I am a 33-year-old, divorced, childless woman. Most of the men I have dated have children. I am now dating "Mike," who is very sweet to me, but he can be rather defensive when it comes to his 8-year-old son, "Zachary." I don't like the way Zach speaks to me or to other adults. When we first met, I said, "Hey, buddy! Nice to meet you." He replied curtly, "My name isn't Buddy," and he did not respond to me for the rest of the evening. Mike said it was because he is shy, but I think he's rude. On another evening, we went to dinner with my family. My father had a beer with his meal. At the end of the evening, Dad said goodbye to Zachary. The boy looked straight at my father and told us he "would not speak to him because he drank beer." Mike never said a word. When the teachers have issues with Zachary's behavior, Mike disregards them, saying he does not believe everything the teachers say. While he will tell Zachary not to act up in school, he will not discipline him. Mike and I have been dating for 10 months, and Zachary still doesn't know we have a relationship. Mike feels that it's too soon after the divorce, but the split was two years ago. Can you help me? -- Feeling Slighted Dear Slighted: We feel sorry for Zach. He's 8 years old, his parents are divorced, and he's having a hard time with it. Of course, Mike should teach him how to be more respectful, but he feels too guilty to do it. Please suggest to Mike that he get counselling for Zach, and maybe take some parenting classes so he can learn how to raise his son with love and appropriate discipline. Encourage Mike to speak up when Zach is rude, but otherwise stay out of it as much as possible.
Dear Slighted, Without all the pandering of "we feel sorry for Zach", these are the facts as they are: You have been involved with a man for 10 months who is too spineless to tell his son that you are "involved". Incidentally, the kid has probably figured this out. Mike is also too spineless and utterly incompetent as a parent to demand proper behaviour from his child in any setting. This situation is not going to get any better. Zach is running this show at this young age and he knows it. He has his Daddy wrapped around his finger, knowing that Daddy will take his side in any situation. Zach isn't going to willingly relinquish his position of power, and Dad won't stand up to him. You will forever be the "evil one" in this farce if you take a stand. My advice in this situation is to pack your bags and move on. This is a war you can't win.
Childfree Abby
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