Childfree Abby - He's a lazy drunk, but a good father24 September 2005Message ID: 11jaq45e2ln0hc2@news.supernews.com
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 35 years. We have two adult children who have been a wonderful part of our lives. My daughter, 33, moved out after high school. She did not complete her college degree and moved back home. She is working a three-hour-a-day job that takes care of her bills and personal expenses. Our 30-year-old son, Perry, is kind and loving. He was a star athlete in high school but has since been in trouble with drugs, in jail twice, fathered a beautiful baby (the mother is in prison for another 10 months), did a year at a sober living residence (we raised the child) and now he's back home and messing up again. He's lazy, drinking and not attending court-assigned DUI classes. He is, however, a loving father to his 2-year- old son. Perry has not seriously looked for a job because he says he can't drive for another year (two DUI tickets) and he "can't work construction without driving." He is hanging out with a girl who is not a positive influence. He doesn't have any money, so we can't charge him rent for living at home. He takes care of his son and sometimes helps around the house. My husband just retired and is sick of the kids still living here. I am lucky to have my job (my sanctuary). We can't kick Perry out in the streets with no money and no job, nor do my husband and I want to start all over again raising a baby. My husband says counseling won't help, even if we could get Perry to go, which I doubt. We have threatened but have not followed through with action. I don't understand where we have gone wrong, and I don't know what to do. -- Feeling Helpless and Depressed Dear Helpless: You need to take back control of your lives. First, charge rent to your daughter, who will then be motivated to find a better job, and if you make it less cushy for her at home, she may even move out. Your son is a separate problem. Contact B.I.L.Y. (BecauseILoveYou.org) at P.O. Box 2062, Winnetka, CA 91396-2062. This is an organization for parents of troubled children of any age. http://www.sunherald.com/mld/sunherald/living/12713437.htm Dear Spineless Wonder: I have often said that it is the job of an adult to raise their child to be a responsible independent adult. If they have failed to do so, they have failed at their job. You say that you don't understand where you have gone wrong. Well here it is, so get your head out of your rectum and listen up. I submit that you have cut your children off at their knees by coddling them and not making them responsible for themselves. Why should they? They have a comfortable rent free existence, no real responsibilities, so why rock the boat? There is no reason why two(!) able bodied children in their 30's should be sharing your home. You are classic enablers of the first order. You have cushioned your children from any whiff of being responsible for their own actions. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Both you and your husband need a slap upside the head and your kids need a kick in the ass. Here's a clue for you: A "good father" supports his children. He doesn't slough that responsibility on others. So he can't work construction because he has two DUIs. What does that have to do with anything? That he can't work construction is his own fault, and no one else's. There are other jobs besides construction. If he has to go flip burgers, then so be it. If he doesn't like it, it might just give him the motivation he lacks to find something better. Your son has gotten to like sitting on his ass and letting Mommy and Daddy take care of him way too much. You say that you don't want to start over again raising a baby. Well that, my dear, is what you have set yourself up to do by raising two morons who haven't a clue how to be responsible for themselves. What do you do? Grow some backbone and tell the both of them that ride on the gravy train is over. Period. Full Stop. Then and only then can you reclaim what you can of your lives.
Childfree Abby
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