Childfree Abby - Why?22 December 2005Message ID: 11qlq2dpj1n6m74@news.supernews.com
Dear Amy: I am 29 years old, happily married for six years with an 18-month-old baby. Something has been weighing on my mind. I have never really had much of a relationship with my father. Growing up we had every-other-weekend visitation and shared holidays, even though he lived just 15 miles away. My dad never took the initiative to spend extra time with me. Even though he had a well-paying job, he did not help pay for extra things that I needed and/or wanted, such as a class ring, senior pictures and college. I thought that things would change once I had my son, his first grandchild. I can count on one hand the number of times he has seen my son, and I am the one who has made the contact. The only time that my father calls is when it is a holiday (with gift exchange) or when he needs something such as my husband to help him move furniture. I am tired of being a holiday daughter, but everyone tries to make me feel guilty, saying that I should be the adult and continue to call even it he doesn't. My father isn't easy to talk to; he blows up and gets mad. Last year I called and invited him and my stepmom over for dinner on his birthday, but they never called back. I stressed my feelings, and he said he doesn't have time. Deep down this really bothers me, and I need your perspective. Thank goodness I have a wonderful and supportive mom and stepdad. -- Fatherless Daughter
I'm concerned that you describe yourself as "Fatherless." You have a father, my dear. He's flawed and disappointing, but he exists. Some of your father's behaviour might be because of his own feelings about being a "holiday dad." Your mother may have created impediments to your relationship that you know nothing about. I'm not saying that this is a fact, but a possibility. You have nothing to lose, so please tell your father (perhaps in a letter) that you wish you could be closer and that you want your son to have a relationship with him. He will either greet this news as an invitation to try to change, or he will retreat, as he has done in the past. Let's hope he changes. You might benefit from reading "Embracing Your Father: How to Build the Relationship You've Always Wanted With Your Dad" by Linda Nielsen (2004, McGraw-Hill). Nielsen's book is geared toward the often-prickly daughter/father divide.
Dear Fatherless, To present a different perspective than my esteemed counterpart's variation of "you have to keep trying because he's your father," or suggesting you delve into a pop psych treatise that may or may not be helpful, I will ask you a simple one-word question: Why? Or to clarify the point: why are you continuing to put effort into a relationship that is giving you nothing in return? While you were growing up, your father put the minimum amount of energy that was required into your life. Period. And not one iota more. Now that you are an adult, he feels totally released from this obligation. If, as my counterpart suggests, there may have been some impediment placed by your mother between you and your father, read above. You are an adult, the impediment no longer exists. To use an old adage, honey, you can't get blood from a stone. As a matter of fact, if this were a boyfriend who treated you this in this manner, I would bet good money that my esteemed counterpart would have you read "He's Just Not Into You" or some such thing. Further, she would likely recommend that you let this relationship go. My advice? Stop banging your head against this wall. It will feel really good when you stop.
Childfree Abby
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