Childfree Abby - The System Failed Him23 December 2005Message ID: 11qocnn986eh360@news.supernews.com
Dear Annie: My wife and I have a 24-year-old son, "Jared," who lives with us. When Jared was a teenager, he began smoking pot, drinking and taking downers. He has been in and out of jail for domestic abuse, possession, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and failure to pay child support. I cannot count the times we tried to get him some help. Once he was sent to court-ordered rehab and was supposed to be drug tested at random, but it was never enforced. As soon as he paid his fines, he was released. I really feel the system failed him. We have attempted several times to boot Jared out, and then he plays us, stating we will be sorry when he is found dead somewhere. He knows this is a touchy subject for us because I had a nephew who was kicked out of the house and found dead two weeks later. So we let him stay. Jared works just long enough to get a paycheck, and that's it. He's currently looking at the possibility of five years in prison for felony domestic abuse with his current girlfriend, six months for back child support, and unknown time for failure to pay the fines he has now. Every time he goes to jail, he calls and tells us how sorry he is, and that when he gets out, he'll change, but it never happens. I actually feel guilty because I am hoping he'll go to jail long enough to get a rude awakening. Jared refuses counseling, saying he doesn't have a problem, so my wife and I are depressed all the time. We both know he is taking advantage of us, but the thought of burying him is much more painful. Any advice? -- Oklahoma Parents
Dear Oklahoma: It is hard to let your child sink or swim on his own, but sometimes that's the only recourse left. Of course you are worried sick about Jared, but you cannot help him until he wants to be helped, and so far, he hasn't found a reason compelling enough. You might find some useful information through B.I.L.Y. (BecauseILoveYou.org), P.O. Box 2062, Winnetka, CA 91396-2062. Also, look into counselling for you and your wife. You could use some support.
Dear JackAss, You freely admit that the 24 year old miscreant you raised is playing you like a violin because you haven't got the testicular fortitude to chuck him out. Of course Jared doesn't have a problem, he's got two spineless parents who pick up after him and won't do what is necessary to get him on track: namely, boot the demon spawn out the door and make him responsible for his actions, first, last, and always. His life, for him, is working just great. Allow me to enlighten you to a couple facts: Don't blame the system if your kid turns out to be a manipulative bastard. It's not the responsibility of "the system" to raise your kid. If Sonnybubbles continues on this path, he will wind up dead anyway, its just a matter of when and where. Furthermore, at this rate, its likely to be in the bathroom at home. For the rest of us out here, the loss of your son would not even be a blip on the radar. However, you seem to place some sort of value on him, therefore, you must do what needs to be done. Boot his ass out the door with a hearty hallelujah and a "we'll talk after you've been clean and sober for a year." Think of it this way, sooner or later, you are going to die too. Then, who is going to take care of partyboy, if by chance he lives that long. Let him chart his own course and take total responsibility for his actions. That is his only hope and yours.
Childfree Abby
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