Childfree Abby - Taking the Wedding out of Town07 April 2006Message ID: 123col3g0ch7r06@news.supernews.com
DEAR ELLIE: My wife's brother and his girlfriend have lived together for almost a year and have bought a house together. They're planning a wedding next year in Jamaica, and they're insisting that we, a family of three, attend. The cost to us, including gift, would be more than $4,000, not including my possibly having to take unpaid time off work to attend. To us, $4,000 is steep. We could afford it, but only at the expense of other things we've planned. If they were to marry locally, we'd love to attend and said so. They feel we're being selfish with our money; we feel they're demanding too much. What is the right way to deal with this situation? -- JAMAICA FAREWELL DEAR JAMAICA FAREWELL: You want to consider several elements: 1) what's right for you; 2) what's right for them, and 3) the feelings either move will create. Yes, it's annoying to have your choices dictated and limited by others; however, it is affordable for you, and this is your wife's brother, and a one-time event in her family's life. If you don't go, you leave them hurt, angry and likely distanced from you as a couple. If you compromise and shift a few plans to next year, and make this trip your vacation (leaving time to be just you three), you might enjoy yourselves on a Jamaican beach.
Dear Jamaica, It's really very nice that your brother in law and his intended can afford, after buying a house, to have a splashy "destination wedding". Whether they are actually well-off enough to afford it or being highly fiscally irresponsible is open to conjecture. It is my observation that weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people. Entitlement and drama run rampant at both occasions. The thing with "destination weddings" is that not all invited can afford to attend, or have other priorities for their money. People who have "destination weddings" usually understand this, and even bank on it to keep the guest list down. It would be nice if you could attend, but it is tantamount to emotional blackmail to "insist" on it on the grounds that, as my esteemed counterpart said, "you will leave them hurt, angry and likely distanced from you as a couple." It is exceedingly presumptuous of your brother in law and his wife-to-be to dictate how you choose to allocate your resources. Allow me to reiterate: If one has a "destination wedding" one should not be surprised if people, for whatever reason, decline the invitation. One should be prepared for it, and accept such things with good grace. If they do not, it reeks of both poor planning and an entitlement mentality that does not bode well for the future. You can, if you wish, host a party in honour of the happy couple (and all the rest of the people who could not make the trip) upon their return, as a gesture of good will and good wishes.
Childfree Abby
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