Childfree Abby - Advice requested; friendship in peril14 April 2006Message ID: 123v99hqf4oqg41@news.supernews.com
Dear Childfree Abby, I must say, before I ask for your advice, that I love your site. I read all of the current articles and also browsed the archives. It is some great stuff. I find your writing and commentary very enjoyable…keep up the good work. (I swear I’m not trying to butter you up here.) I am married and childfree. Hubby and I have several mutual friends. There are those among our friends who look carefully at their life decisions, who have dreams and goals and who work carefully and steadily toward those things. These friends are the ones I relate to. And then there are the friends who are barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, who I’m not sure why we’re even still friends with. The specific problem is a buddy I’ll call "Adam." He was a great friend to us back when he lived in our city; we spent tons of time together and he even stayed in our home while he was going through rough times. Last year, he moved away to another state to live with a girl he met on the Internet. She has a child from a previous marriage, and when Adam moved in with her, she hadn’t finalized the divorce from her ex. (This other child is currently in custody of the girl’s Grandparents due to custody issues; she does not take care of him herself.) Adam and this girl were planning on getting married anyway, but for some reason decided not to use birth control until then. Well, as it happens when young folk don’t use birth control, they are now expecting. (Still not married yet!) I am worried about several things; firstly, they are not looking so great financially. They were on food stamps in the first place and now things are just going to get worse (as they always do when the family grows). We tried to warn them about that and they still insist that with government help, they’ll be just fine. Apparently they haven’t the faintest clue how grinding poverty arises in the first place…anyway, I also worry because Adam is only 23, and with his questionable maturity level, Hubby and I don’t think he is quite ready to take charge of another human being’s life. Most of all, we know they won’t have any time, energy, or money left over from breeding, and they will probably grow away from us and the friendship will end. Hubby and I talked about this into the wee hours of the night last night and did not come up with a satisfactory solution to this issue. As far as I’m concerned, Hubby can do whatever he wants about it; I pretty much want to remove myself from the situation and hearing about it, because it’s really too much drama for me to deal with. We can probably stay cordial with these people, and I will admit, they are friendly and very hospitable whenever we visit one another. Even though we are still a few states apart, we usually travel to visit one another once or twice a year, and maintain a lot of e-mail contact. What I want to know is this: should we struggle to retain a relationship with our friends, or would it be better to close the door now since they have shown their true, flakey nature? Or do you think that, perhaps, due to moving to another state, Adam is trying to end the friendship? It is more of an issue for Hubby than for me; I am concerned for Hubby’s well-being. I have given up flakey friends before and have been happy with my decision to do so. At this point I am concerned for Hubby’s feelings. Yes, I do have genuine concern for our faraway friends, but I also acknowledge that they can get by just fine without me. The fact is, Hubby and Adam go way back, longer than I’ve been with Hubby, and I’m not sure the loss of such a long-standing friendship would be good for either of them. I appreciate any advice you can give here. Sorry my story was so long, and thanks for taking the time to read it.
Your dedicated fan,
Dear Childfree L, I have read through your letter, and I have to agree with you: there is a train wreck in the making here and this is what you can do about it:
Nothing. I know that it is hard to watch a friend go down the primrose path to perdition, but unless he is of such diminished capacity that he can be locked up, there is nothing that can be done. Adam has made his choices, no matter how foolish they are, and how ill prepared he is for the consequences of these choices. But on to the crux of the problem, namely Hubby. I think that you are, as they say, borrowing trouble. For the most part, the issues that you fear will likely resolve themselves. I can't say whether Adam is trying to end the friendship or just thinking with his gonads, or more likely, not thinking at all. I feel though, given the circumstances, the relationship will probably die a natural death all by itself - the visits will become fewer and the e-mails a lot less and thus it will become a non-issue. That said, Hubby is a big boy, and if he wishes to attempt to maintain his relationship with Adam, let him do so. Again, it is his choice, and there is nothing you can do to protect him. Friendships change and evolve, and he may accept that the friendship will just become distant. The fact that they are several states away and therefore not part of your everyday lives will make that transition easier. I think it would be advisable to get out more and with other (childfree) people. A problem may arise if Hubby attempts to "rescue" these two bozos from themselves because, plain and simple, it will not work. To be painfully blunt, it doesn't sound like Adam has the sense that the gods gave a goat: He has gotten himself involved with a woman who is still married to someone else, and has a child that she, for whatever reason, is not able (or possibly unfit) to care for. And not use birth control until "after" they are married? That is back-asswards, and totally without any logic that I can see. There is a possibility (and only you can judge how great this possibility may be) that these two may try to hit you up for loan after dubious "loan" that will never be repaid. Or, after this relationship implodes, you may find Adam crashing on your couch, this time with child support payments in tow. However, those issues will have to be dealt with if and when they arise. Good Luck and good wishes,
Childfree Abby
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