Childfree Abby - The Family Bed15 April 2006Message ID: 12423a23bq7ii2d@news.supernews.com
Dear Amy: I disagree with your reasoning when you advised the mom who wrote in to you saying that her 9-year-old is sleeping in her bed. You said that children would not learn to work through problems without sleeping alone at night. Well, I'm in trouble, then, because I sleep with my husband every night! When will my problems be worked out? Why is a child any different than I am? It is sometimes human nature for children to cling to their parents at night because nighttime is full of scary and disturbing things. It is OK for kids to want to be near their parents. For some, this means having children share the "family bed." For families where having the child in bed at any age is an annoyance, by all means, teaching the child to sleep alone is a good thing. If a child is forced to do anything in an unhealthy way, it can cause lifelong problems. Parents have to be careful with the choices they make for their children and be flexible enough to meet their true emotional needs. -- Amara Dear Amara: I agree with you. My advice and suggestions for how to get children out of the "family" bed were directed toward families who didn't want their children in the family bed. Obviously, if the arrangement works for everyone, then there is no reason to change it. I disagree with one thing, however. The night is not full of scary and disturbing things, and one way that children learn this is to experience and conquer their nighttime anxieties in a way where they learn that they are strong and capable.
Dear Amara, If you can't tell the difference between sharing a bed with a spouse and sharing a bed with a child, you have more problems than I can address in one short column. I recommend intense therapy and the possible removal of any children from your household. You know the one thing attachment parents forget to mention is that for the most part, cultures that have the "family bed" generally fall into two categories: a) where it is really cold and shared body heat is necessary for survival, and b) where people are so poor or living conditions are so primitive, there is only one room. The "family bed" is not an expression of "family bonding", it is an expression of environmental or financial necessity. That said, you can bet your ass that for these people if conditions were warmer or if there were separate sleeping quarters were available, the "family bed" would be a thing of the past. A nine-year-old child is too old to be sharing a bed with his/her mother. Period. A child at that age shares a bed with his/her mother is being set up for vastly more problems than learning to sleep in their own bed. I put it to you that having a nie-year-old child sleep in his mother's bed is more for the mother's gratification on some level than for the needs of the child. Get over it, and for the love of whatever deity you have (if any) get your kids their own bed.
Childfree Abby
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