Childfree Abby - What If He Lives?22 April 2006Message ID: 124kjsbr7ie7543@news.supernews.com
Dear Annie: For 20 years, my alcoholic husband and I have been together. "Roy" is a good person, hard working, considerate and generous. Early in the day, Roy is a pleasure to be with, but by 4 p.m., he is drunk and obnoxious. He argues about everything I say and staggers around using foul language and creating scenes. He tells horrid lies to our friends, saying all my relatives are drunks and that I've been having sex with some of the neighbors. I have adjusted to the fact that we can never go out in the evenings because it is too embarrassing, and I can't go alone or he will accuse me of cheating. We have worked hard for what we have, and if we divorced, everything would have to be sold and divided with substantial losses. Roy won't try A.A. or counseling, and I've been to Al-Anon and it didn't help. I'm very tired of getting up every day, knowing I have nothing to look forward to except his drunken verbal abuse. Roy claims that if he can't remember what he said to me when drunk, it isn't important. I feel that he has no respect for me or for himself, otherwise he would not behave this way. I do not intend to leave because I'm quite confident Roy eventually will drink himself to death, but the verbal abuse has depressed me to the extent that I may have to get help for my own self-preservation. I knew he was an alcoholic when I married him, but the hostile behavior in the last five years has been unbearable. Any suggestions? -- Alcoholic's Spouse Dear Spouse: We're not sure what you expect. Roy is an abusive alcoholic and has no intention of getting help. You put up with it because it would cost too much to leave, and you assume he'll die before things get too bad. What a charming arrangement. You both must be perfectly miserable. Al-Anon will not make your husband quit. It is intended to be a source of support for family and friends. Counseling may help your depression, but it won't solve the underlying problem. You must decide if you truly want to tolerate Roy's alcoholism, because the alternatives you have chosen do not sound promising to us.
Dear Spouse: To be honest, I really don't know why you wrote for advice, since you really don't have any intention of doing the one thing that will save yourself - namely, ending the marriage. You say that you don't want to leave this marriage because of financial loss. Honey, have you given any thought as to what you are losing now? You are living with a man who doesn't respect you, or himself. Roy is so far down DeNial about himself and his addiction that the gods themselves couldn't find him on a radar screen. Given a little while longer and you will be crazier than he is, or considering your reasoning for staying in this travesty you probably already are. Here is something to put in your pipe and smoke: What if Roy lives? You are banking an awful lot on the probability that you are going to outlast him. Granted, the odds are in your favour, but there is a saying that "there are more old drunks than there are doctors." He could drag on a very, very long time before he kicks the bucket, or you could be hit by a bus or have some other catastrophic situation tomorrow. At that point in time, death would be preferable because you certainly couldn't trust him to see to your care should you become incapacitated in any way. Life is really uncertain. Also, consider this: by the time Roy shuffles off this mortal coil what exactly are you going to have left? By that time you what remains of your sanity will be in shreds, and Roy will have happily destroyed any relationships you have with family and friends. Trust me, all of those problems won't disappear the moment he buys the farm. I really hope the money is worth it.
Childfree Abby
|