Childfree Abby - Time to Grow Some Vertebrae29 April 2006Message ID: 1256rdjk42rldfe@news.supernews.com
Dear Amy: I am almost 64. I am married to a wonderful man. I worked steadily from the day I graduated from high school until my retirement eight years ago. My husband and I are somewhat overweight, but we're working on our weight problems. I have an older sister. She is a registered nurse with a bachelor's degree. She is involved in music and cultural events. She also travels a great deal with her husband. She has been able to maintain a nice figure and is obsessed with thinness. The problem is in the way she relates to me, especially since she has retired. She is always making little put-down remarks. She is becoming a very nasty person who doesn't seem to care how she hurts someone. She is a snob. I am on the verge of telling her how I really feel. I have been putting up with this for several years in an effort not to cause a fight between us. She is not the kind of person you can reason with. I'm afraid she will be very nasty if I speak up, and we're not getting any younger. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. -- Stressed by Sister Dear Stressed: The problem with letting issues simmer and stew for years is that when you're finally ready to express yourself, you run the risk of pulling a "Mt. Vesuvius." If you hit her with a molten lava spew, your sister might be so focused on not getting burned that she won't hear you. It's obvious that you don't want to completely alienate your sister -- and also that you're afraid of her. But at some point, being pushed around becomes a choice that you make. You can be assertive without blowing your stack, and it's time to start.
Dear Stressed, I am always amazed that people will put up with crap from so-called family that they would not put up with from friends. If a friend of yours treated you in this manner, you can bet your booty that you would not be friends with that person for very long. Now, with your sister in mind, its about time that you grew some spine in your dealings with her. You and you alone have given her free rein to treat you with disrespect; therefore, you and you alone must fix the problem. If she gets mad at you, so what? It's not as if you owe her anything, and from what you say, it isn't very likely that she owes you money that she won't pay back if she gets mad. So, what, exactly do you have to lose here, the dubious pleasure of her company? That sounds like a real good deal to me. Your sister makes these remarks to you and is generally spiteful to you because she can. She can because you don't stand up for yourself. So now is the time to grow a spine. The next time your sister opens her mouth and spews bile in your direction, look her straight in the eye and say "you know something, sis, this little topic of yours has become really old. We are tired of it, so shut the fuck up." Now, granted, you don't have to phrase it that quite that way - you can use whatever terminology with which you are comfortable. However, make sure it is strong enough to get your point across, and then stick to your guns. You don't have to insult her, you don't have to tell her that she has become so pretentious in her old age that people are laughing at her behind her back (which is more than likely true, by the way). Just tell her to shut up and refuse to discuss it further. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Childfree Abby - resolutely
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