Childfree Abby - The Black Sheep01 May 2006Message ID: 125c7p9jneicj75@news.supernews.com
Dear Childfree Abby, I just discovered your website and couldn't help but smile. Finally, an outlet for "childfree by choice" adults to ask those awkward questions and receive intelligent, common sense answers without the harsh judgement. My husband and I childless by choice and love the lifestyle. We find it extremely amusing to see the look of shock when we say that but become annoyed (briefly) when those few folks think we're off our rockers. Here is the latest problem: My husband's sister adopted a son almost 9 months ago; we are happy by this but no the kind of happy his mother and sister thinks we should be. We hardly visit as the EVERYTHING always turn to the little guy. M-I-L, who is of the generation where women just had to get married and have kids, cannot comprehend our attitude. She thought I should seek therapy because, as a woman, it didn't seem right (I almost walked out of the room) and at one occassion asked my husband to see her for a brief meeting. The meeting ended up being an "ambush" where the child was present and she wanted to pass the boy to him! Hubby was totally unprepared and very livid. M-I-L has completely given up on "converting" me but still tries on her son, which makes him angry bec ause she's not accepting of what he is. In a way it is making him look like the black sheep of the family, as if we have some sort of plague. Is there something we can do? Others feel this way? P.S. MIL's favorite line: "But you guys go to Disney World!" (NUMEROUS number of kids implication here)... Favorite answer: "We know, large enough place to walk AWAY!!" -- From Childless and Loving it in New Jersey!!
Dear ChildFree, I feel your pain. I regret to say that there is nothing that you can do to change the way your in-laws think, as only they can do that. The only thing that you can do is change the way you react to them. I think that the best you will be able to do is "train" them to (at very least) keep their mouths shut. Training your in-laws, like training any dog, cat, or child for that matter, will take consistency. This is what I suggest you do: The next time the topic of having children as it pertains to the two of you, comes up in either of your presence, state simply but firmly "You know our feelings on this matter and we do not care to discuss it further. The topic is closed." Now comes the hard part; set your boundaries and stick to them. If your in-laws do not respect your wishes, remove yourselves from the situation, whether it means getting up and leaving in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner, or just hanging up the phone. Eventually, your in-laws may get the point - or not - there are no guarantees of anything. Now, about being the so-called "black sheep" of the family, I am sorry to say, that you are not alone in this issue. There are a great number of the Childfree out there who have gone, or are going through this same issue. I have to remind you that it is not how they feel about you that matters, rather what matters is how you feel about yourselves. What a black sheep is happens to be depends on one's point of reference: in certain parts of society a person is considered to be a black sheep if he or she chooses to forego a life of welfare or a herd of mewling brats to get an education and an honest job. If the family chooses to treat the two of you as less than worthy because you didn't produce children, then it is their loss for being so close-minded. If your not having children is the only reason why they treat you as a "black sheep", then I would consider the title to be a badge of honour. In closing, I must repeat, you can't force the in-laws to change any more than you can push a rope uphill. However, changing the way you react to them will make things much easier on you.
Childfree Abby
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