Childfree Abby - Not One Thin Dime02 May 2006Message ID: 125euk39gamntec@news.supernews.com
Dear Annie: My husband and I are both in our 50s and have been married for five years. I have three children from a previous marriage, one still at home. My husband has an 18-year-old daughter who lives with her boyfriend in another state. "Bruce" and I have struggled with finances our entire marriage. We have good jobs, but Bruce came into the relationship in debt, and I gave up everything to get out of an abusive marriage. Recently, my stepdaughter called to say she is getting married and expects us to come up with many thousands of dollars for "our half" of the wedding expenses. Her mother made the arrangements without consulting us. We had not budgeted for this unexpected wedding, and we are not able to come up with that kind of money. We have no savings and only a small retirement fund. Bruce doesn't see a problem. I told him to get a part-time job and earmark that money for the wedding, but he told me we will take the money out of our retirement account. After all, she is his only child and he wants to do this for her. I didn't feel it was my place to discuss this with my stepdaughter, but Bruce got so caught up in the moment that he was just going along with everything. I had to stop the train before he started handing out checks. I told my stepdaughter we cannot give her the amount she wants and asked if she would consider something more affordable. She and her fiance are not contributing a dime since neither have full-time jobs, nor do they attend school. They live with relatives. I suggested perhaps they could work full time and save. Now everyone is angry with me, including Bruce. Am I wrong? Are we supposed to go deeper in debt to help? -- Evil Stepmother Dear Stepmother: Your head is in the right place, but without Bruce in your corner, you are doomed to be the bad guy. The person you need to convince is your husband. These decisions should be made jointly, but this is Bruce's only child, and he is not going to be rational about it and you are not going to win. Be careful.
Dear Stepmother, Just in case you haven't figured it out already; your husband is a complete and utter idiot and this whole fiasco is going to be a losing proposition for you. No matter what you say or how you phrase it, you are going to be Evil Incarnate. Your husband's ex-wife and his daughter have relegated him to the role of "walking wallet". They make plans, do not consult him and expect him to pony up, and he is so brain-washed that he goes along with it without a complaint. He does so even at the risk of poverty in his later years. I rather suspect that this is why Bruce was in so much debt to begin with. It doesn't take Jimmy the Greek to figure out the odds are very good that picking the parental pocket won't end here. Consider the fact neither "princess" or her consort are working full time and are living off relatives. Since they are unable to support themselves now, just how are they going to support themselves after the "mondo wedding"? You can pretty much bet that "princess" is going to get baby rabies, and Daddy will be called upon to fork over to support his grandchild. It is also very likely that the "marriage" between these two ill-prepared morons will collapse under its own weight within a couple of years, and your problems will compound. Unless "Bruce" realizes that he is being played for a fool, which is highly unlikely, I really don't hold out much hope for your marriage. You will be forced to be the "bad guy" forever. Since you don't want that role now, I doubt you will want it in the future. What I suggest you do to save yourself, if not your marriage, is: 1) make sure that "Bruce" cannot access your retirement funds without your consent. 2) make it very clear that not one thin dime of your own resources will be spent to support this travesty in any way, shape or form. This will not make your position any easier, but it may safeguard your future.
Childfree Abby - resolutely
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