Childfree Abby - Prudie Lays An Egg02 June 2006Message ID: 127vb2nds8n5fa2@news.supernews.com
Dear Prudence, I will be getting married next year to the most wonderful man in the world. We share similar goals in life. One of those goals is that neither of us wants children. We are both in our 30s and don't want to be raising children into our late 50s. Our friends, family, and even acquaintances constantly ask us when we're going to start a family. When I respond that we don't want children, I get a lecture about how wonderful children are and how much I am missing. We both love children. We have plenty of nieces and nephews with whom we enjoy spending time. How do we head off those people who feel it is important to question our choices? One neighbor of mine suggested lying and telling them we are unable to have children (which will embarrass the asking party), but I am not one who can lie very well. - No Child of Mine Dear No, As far as acquaintances are concerned, "I'd rather not discuss such a private matter" should do it. But family and friends are different. Yes, it's true that ultimately it's not anyone else's business, but from a human perspective this is a loss for both sets of parents. No one has parents who say, "I hope my child grows up to marry someone wonderful and they don't have children together." With your intimates, next time they bring it up, explain that you understand this is painful for them, but you are both comfortable with your decision and lecturing won't change your mind. Now I will join the chorus of people who are driving you crazy. You are about to get married, and as life's circumstances change, it is worth re-examining your goals, especially this one (and yes, I know, I am offending all happy childless people). You're only in your 30s - if you have children now, they'll be grown by the time you reach your late 50s! You say you love children, but as close as you may be to your nieces and nephews, that's no substitute for having your own. The people who know and love you best hope you and your husband have children - that alone makes it something worth considering. —Prudie
Dear Prudie, I have a question for you. Why is it that if these people had said "I want a child" you would have no problems with their choice, and you would not say "Don't do it. You're are about to be married, and as life's circumstances change, it is worth examining your goals, especially this one?" Why is it so hard for you and others of your ilk to grasp the fact that two very sane adults in their 30's have clearly and carefully weighed their options, decided not to parent and are completely happy with that choice? These people should be commended for their good sense and foresight in considering whether they want children - and deciding, clearly and consciously, that parenting is not for them. If more people displayed that forethought, there would be far fewer abused and neglected children in the world today. A goodly number of so-called "parents" put more thought and consideration into buying a car than if they are suited to raising children. Why can't you accept the fact that there are people who have taken a hard look at parenting and decided that it's not what it's cracked up to be? Further, that it is a "pleasure" they could (and happily, mind you) forego. As an advice columnist, you surely must have read the famous Ann Landers column in the 70's when she asked parents to answer the question "If you had to do it (have children) all over again, would you?" I am sure you must be aware of the overwhelmingly negative response to that question. I strongly suggest you research this column if perchance you missed it. You really dropped the ball here. This couple did not write to you to second-guess and trivialize their choice. They did not write to you to be patronized. They wrote to you to ask you a specific question, which your response utterly failed to address. Why did you feel a need to do this? Why could you not simply accept their well-thought-out decision as simply that - their decision? In closing, I have met many "parents" who I sincerely believe regretted their choice to have children though they did not say it. It shows in many subtle ways - neglect of varying degrees, veiled resentment of their children, and yes, envy (of non parents). I have yet to meet a single person who consciously decided not to have children who ever regretted their choice.
Childfree Abby
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