Childfree Abby - Daddy's Girl23 June 2006Message ID: 129ntecol7ces76@news.supernews.com
DEAR ELLIE: I'm having difficulty supporting my partner of six years. His 20-year-old daughter, who lives with us, takes advantage of him. He says this situation comes with the guilt associated with divorce. Her mother is a scary role model: She's 45, unemployed, body tattoos and associates with bikers. My partner expects me to accept things even when he's upset and yelling at his daughter. She returns his vehicle dirty with little or no gas; his financial loans are never repaid; she never helps out with chores, and she arrives home from dates at 3 am. Her dad is a night-shift worker who gets home at 5 a.m., so I'm awakened twice. I'm sleep-deprived and don't know how much more I can take. -- WIT'S END DEAR WIT'S END: He's got lots more guilt coming when he one day realizes he did nothing to help his daughter become a responsible adult. Dad must sit down with you and this young woman to negotiate some house rules. Focus on the big ones, like her being part of the household and needing to do her share of chores, in return for which she has some privileges like some use of the car. But please, back off the judgment on her mother, whose traits aren't the daughter's fault. And follow through: If the car is returned without gas, she doesn't get it next time. Also, set a reasonable curfew and assure her she can phone if she's in difficulty. Then stop waiting up for her. She either comes in as noiselessly as normally possible, or she starts looking for somewhere else to live.
Dear Wit, My esteemed counterpart has given you a lot of good advice about what your partner needs to do. Don't ever think that your partner doesn't know what should be done - he does, but doesn't have the testicular fortitude to do it. He will let it slide and slide until something breaks, and thus far, it looks like that something or someone is you. You have supported him in this, but what exactly have you gotten out of it? As far as I can see, you have received no respect, no consideration, nothing. Not even a good night's sleep. Time to take off the velvet glove and use the steel fist. I don't like the idea of giving ultimatums, but as far as I can see, you have nothing to lose. You are playing second fiddle to this man's adult, allow me to repeat, adult daughter. Enough already, it is time to assert your rights. You have a right to a good night's sleep. You have a right to some help in the house. If your husband wishes to continue to support his daughter in the manner that he has, it is his choice and his problem, and he alone should pay for it. He, as in not you. Lay it on the line. Things change or you leave. And mean it. Will things change? Frankly, I think it won't. However, if things don't improve, your relationship is doomed anyway.
Childfree Abby
|