Childfree Abby's Mailbag - Emotional Rescue30 Jun 2006Message ID: 12aacfijnfgloe6@news.supernews.com
Dear Childfree Abby, During a recent but brief bout with insanity, my husband & I decided to have a baby. We had never wanted children before and were both firm in our decision. So what happened? I think it was a combination of things: I'm bored with my job, I ran out of Lexapro, hormones, and Christmas sentiment. Here's the kicker, I blabbed to everyone! I have never felt that I was on the same track as my peers when suddenly, I did! It was also so nice to see how warm and open they became . It was wonderful to feel so included. After I re-gained my sanity, my husband & I decided to return to our child free by choice state. The thing I'm struggling with now is how to get back into everyone's good graces. Every one is polite enough, but that warmth is no longer there. I think my friends feel criticized somehow by my choice. I'm going to the in-laws this weekend and have a knot in my stomach. My head tells me that these people can hit the road. My heart wants validation & acceptance. What can I do for myself and my husband so that we don't feel unattractive to society and especially to our families?
Sincerely,
Dear Misty, Congratulations on your recovery from a serious bout of "kodakitis". But now we must deal with your feelings of exclusion by a bunch of people who make their acceptance and love conditional upon reproducing. What I want you to do is to take a step back and take a good look at this situation, then realize just how utterly pathetic these people are. Further, how utterly pathetic (not to mention miserable) you would be if you knuckled under to this emotional blackmail. Call a spade a spade, Misty, it is blackmail of the worst order. What they are saying is "If you don't do what I want, then I won't be your friend any more." Pardon me, but I outgrew that when my age reached double digits. Let me tell you something: the fact that your friends feel criticized by a choice of yours that has nothing whatsoever to do with them, speaks volumes about the dissatisfaction they feel with their own situation. If indeed they were so secure in the choices that they made, the choices you make for yourself would not bother them one iota. I think what you need to do is start associating with people who value the two of you for more than your reproductive organs. You don't need to associate with people who make you feel unattractive and devalued for any reason, let alone your choice not to have children. Here is another pointer: if you keep looking for your self-worth in someone else, you will never find it; you have to find it within yourself first, last and always. Here is something else: if the both of you have not left a trail of bad cheques, unrepaid loans, thefts or other distasteful things, your families have no right to treat you like pariahs. If they do, then do not spend time in their company. You have to build your own support system independent of those emotional blackmailers. Best wishes, and good luck,
Childfree Abby
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