Childfree Abby - Dodging A Bullet07 July 2006Message ID: 12asqiod3ev7bdb@news.supernews.com
DEAR ELLIE: I've recently broken up with my girlfriend of 14 months, a divorced 45-year-old mother of two older teens living with their father. She'd previously been engaged to a man who passed away before they could marry. Soon into our relationship, both children were thrown out by their father because of their behavior. My girlfriend took them in and their misbehavior continued (some involving legal issues). My girlfriend wanted us to live together permanently. I wanted to go slower. This led us to many disagreements, and we didn't talk for a week. Then she said she didn't want me in her life anymore, and that she'd spent the weekend with another man. I told her I'd make the commitment she wanted, but she refused to change her mind. I still love her. I feel she's not happy in her current situation. I'm now wondering whether to get on with my life or hope that she'll change her mind. I promised that her becoming involved with another man will not be an issue if we get back together. -- FOLLOW HEAD OR HEART DEAR FOLLOW HEAD OR HEART: Use your head for thinking things through. Then, let your heart respond to your own decision and not just hers. Ask yourself if you can accept the next few years of volatility with her teenagers as they work out their troubles. Remember, their parents' divorce, their mother's several relationships and resultant instability have all contributed to their acting out. It is her responsibility to try to help them through this, and any partner of hers needs to be involved. Next, be honest with yourself about whether you can truly forgive her escaping into another man's arms when you'd barely left the scene. If the answers are yes and yes, you need to keep reassuring her of your love and support. There could be hope for you two to be together. If the answer is no, then give your heart a rest and move on.
Dear Follow: I think that you should be thanking God, Allah, Odin, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster that you have dodged a bullet. What my esteemed counterpart calls mere "acting out", and you call "misbehaviour" seems to me a lot more serious. Also, from what you describe, their mother isn't doing much to deal with this issue. I suspect that you would have been living with a chapter of "Future Felons of America" and a mother who is a woefully ineffective parent. I don't know about you, but it sure looks like Hell to me. This woman, in less than one week's time, dropped you and effectively shifted over to "Plan B". I really have to question whether she wanted you in her life more as a lover and partner than as some form of insurance and security (read "walking wallet"). The fact that she can, and that quickly, move into another relationship also makes me question if she capable of forming a long term relationship, because as soon as your relationship with her did not go where she wanted as fast as she wanted, she was gone. If she is unhappy in her current situation, too bad, but Bed. Made. Lie. Close the door, get on with your life, move on and be grateful.
Childfree Abby
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